Any authentic sutta from any tradition that gives guidance on what kind of partner to choose?

Question

Any authentic sutta or part of sutta from any tradition that gives guidance on what kind of sexual relationship partner to choose?

I'm thinking the Vimalikirti sutra should say something about such layman concerns.

Specifically things like what kind of partner would an ideal layman choose for family purposes if choose at all?

Should one find a companion who already understands the Dharma and is thus highly capable of being a companion and teacher to children?

Or is the proper bodhisattva action to practice the dana paramita by bonding and inspiring someone who lacks the dharma--but is ready to receive it--and thus help to transform their karma as well as the whole universe's (through increasing Dharma quotient in a "lower denominator")?

[The Taoist tradition (which I highly honor) has some insights into this matter and for me is very connected to Buddhism and according to my learning would imply that a cultivated woman choose the latter and a cultivated man choose the former.]

Answer 1

Here's a summary of Chapter 5 of The Buddha's Teachings to Laypeople: Practical Advice for Prosperity and Lasting Happiness.

• If you fail to find suitable associates it's better to be "like a solitary rhinoceros"
• Leave aside unproven traditional criteria: including race, caste, gender, and external appearance (and creed)
• A person's inner development is more important than their birth

• Be cautious of first impressions and initial understandings

  People cannot be know well by their appearance
  Nor can they be trusted after brief impression.
  Yes, the undisciplined may roam in the world
  In the attire of the well displined.

• Associate with a person, observe and evaluate their words and actions

• Be wise and rational in order to obtain a clear picture of the person you're evaluating
• Find wise people who cause no fear or worry

• Look for someone who is compatible in four ways:

  • Similar confidence in spiritual development
  • Similar respect for self-discipline
  • Similar respect for humanistic practices
  • Similar level of wisdom

  These similarities are "so important for a peaceful marriage".

Spiritual development: if one person respects spiritual believes and practices, and the other holds them in total disregard, then the two people are simply incompatible.

Self-discipline: if one partner is well-disciplined and the other unscrupulous then their incompatibility will become obvious and cause problems.

Humanistic practices: includes dana, also caga (generous acts).

Level of wisdom: i.e. samapanna, includes knowledge, skill, emotional maturity, reasoning power; doesn't mean that both should have same education and intellectual ability, but wide difference in these areas could cause incompatibility and lead to conflicts.

Chapter 6 is about how to treat your partner after you marry.

Answer 2

There is some guidance from the Sigalovada Sutta on the responsibilities of the husband and wife. So, by extension, a suitable partner is one who can fulfil these responsibilities.

"In five ways should a wife as the western direction be respected by a husband: by honoring, not disrespecting, being faithful, sharing authority, and by giving gifts.

"And, the wife so respected reciprocates with compassion in five ways: by being well-organized, being kindly disposed to the in-laws and household workers, being faithful, looking after the household goods, and being skillful and diligent in all duties.