Hatred arising after a friend tried to make my fiancé cheat on me

Question

Yesterday one of my fiancé's friends had a heart attack at 25 due to alcoholism. She stayed with him all night. When he was discharged she was sleeping at his house because she was too tired to drive home and he made a very aggressive move on her. She ran away crying.

It really hurt her, because he was a close friend and now things have gotten complicated. But for me I can't shake feelings of anger and hatred at this guy. Two days ago he was a funny, nice-enough guy who probably had a crush on my fiancé but I wasn't worried because I trust her. Now he's the guy who hit on her very forcefully.

My fiancé partly wants to stay his friend. But I don't know how I can even look at this guy. I try to have compassion, remember he could've died and was in a scary place, but I think about what he did I'm filled with disgust. I don't know if he knows I know what happened. Should I talk to him? Or ask my fiancé to tell him and see if he apologises?

Sometimes they work together, late at night and by themselves. I don't know how I could stand that.

Please, I'll appreciate any advice you can give. I was once fairly rid of feelings of violence and anger. Now I'm not so sure.

Answer 1

If you are looking for a Buddhist answer you will have to accept that the Buddhist approach largely involves changing how you view the situation rather than changing what the situation is.

You haven't mentioned any techniques you tried for dealing with the situation so here are three

• Use metta meditation to develop compassion for your friend, your fiance, and yourself. Let go of anger to everybody (including yourself) by realising that all their actions are done due to their ignorance which is an unavoidable part of human existence

• Maintain mindfulness through the day. When thoughts of anger arise there are many ways you can pause to see the anger, for example, observe without judgement [equanimity], observe them come and go [impermanence], ask who is experiencing these thoughts [not-self]. Pick an approach and stick with it.

• In your formal meditation practice you are most calm so you are in a good state of mind for experiencing and dealing with anger. You could take any of the approaches mentioned in the previous point but use one which matches your regular style of meditation. Presumably you have been developing a style of meditation for a few months or years, this is the time when you are strongest against greed, anger and delusion.

Answer 2

The issue is mostly between you & your fiancé (rather than the guy) since it is your fiancé that must establish appropriate boundaries with the guy. If he is to remain your friend, naturally he should apologise to both of you. If he remains your friend, you must communicate your personal concerns directly to him (rather than hold them within you).

However, Buddhism does not state you must remain his friend because Buddhism warns against 'false friends' & 'bad companionship', particularly those who are womanizers & alcoholics.

12. "These are the six dangers inherent in bad companionship: any rogue, drunkard, addict, cheat, swindler, or thug becomes a friend and colleague.

15. "Young man, be aware of these four enemies disguised as friends: the taker, the talker, the flatterer, and the reckless companion.

http://www.accesstoinsight.org/tipitaka/dn/dn.31.0.ksw0.html

Answer 3

There are 3 parties:

• you
• fiancé
• 3rd party

What you have is worry, hate and anger. This is normal for a worldling but this creates bad Karma and lower future for you.

Your fiancé is compassionate but should strengthen her resolve not to overstep the boundaries.

The 3rd party has a problem with alcohol. Has weak moral resolve.

The Buddhist path 1st cultivate morality. In order to increase your moral resolve you have to practice mastery over the mind. To cement morality it you have to develop wisdom. This is the way out of the satisfactoriness that prevails.

If you apply this to the situation, your are suffering to to your friend and the situation fiancé is in. Your friend is suffering due to perhaps his crush, poor health, drinking. Your fiancé is suffering as due to conflict with loyalty to you and friendship.

The way out is the practice the Dhamma. The morality, if practiced, your friend will not make advances and drink. When working late your fiancé will not fall into the advances of your friend. Mastery over the mind will make the resolve stronger and wisdom will cement it. Also everything not permanent even relationships and feeling. You also have to come out of your suffering.

The best way to practice the above is to take up and organised Vipassana course. You can try:

• https://www.dhamma.org/en/index
• http://www.internationalmeditationcentre.org/global/index.html

or look for one in: World Buddhist Directory.

Taking a course alone will not make a magical transformation. The transformation will be gradual and slow and only if you put in the effort to improve your self. Since your fiancé want to maintain the friendship perhaps this might be something 3 of you can work on and push and nudge the other if they fall back in putting the efforts.

You might also want to check out some of the experiences and testimonials of the practice.

Answer 4

Hatred is pointless as well as anger. Addiction is the problem. Addicts hurt their friends and loved ones. I suggest reading a Beautiful Boy by David Sheff for context. The addict can only help himself. You can counsel but they will still fall prey to the disease. It is not a moral issue. You should protect yourselves by retreating to a safe distance and tell addict to stay sway until sober and commited through AA program. Relapse must not be tolerated.