Asking about Parent-Child relationship karma. Is it bad if I don't wanna go visit my dad?

Question

My parent seperated since I was young and I was rise by my mom. Right now my dad is not in a good condition and unfortunately my aunt and uncle from my dad's side doesn't like me much. Too be honest I don't wanna face with my aunt. I know she loves him so much and she hates me because I choose to stay with my mom. I don't know what to do.

For example today I told my mom I will go visit my dad but mom said she needs me to have a dinner with her.so she told me to go visit my dad the other day...

If I don't go visit him.. Will it be bad ?

I know this is such a stupid question but it is hard for me to make up my mind. When I see my dad It is not so peaceful inside because of the people around him...

Answer 1

Your question is very important, but difficult to answer, since within Buddhism answers are not always what we want to hear. Your father and his family members are experiencing there own karma, which in this case is not good for them or pleasant for others. Within yourself you should try to find loving-kindness for their suffering. You can accomplish this by realizing that the bad manner that they use with you is a lesson in how not to behave. Try to find compassion. This will help your mind to accept, and realize that your visit with them is temporary...when it is over do not dwell on it. In Tibetan buddhism all sentient beings were once our kind and loving mothers. We try to remember that in our dealings with others. It is not always easy, but you will be a better person if you have compassion for all others.

Answer 2

Just switch positions around and you'll know what to do. Imagine you were the father, you fell ill and your own son came to visit you. How would you feel? What if he didn't come? Don't worry about that uneasy feeling when seeing folks at your dad's house. You'll get a much greater kind of peace that comes from doing what's right and from seeing the joy in your dad's eyes upon seeing his son by his side. Furthermore, by not visiting your dad, that'd only deepen the animosity from your aunt for she'd think that you indeed didn't care about your dad at all. By showing up, you'd have fulfilled your part by showing that you care. Whether that'll change your aunt's attitude or not is not important for you have done the right thing and there's nothing to regret. Anyway, that's just my two cents..

Answer 3

Every thought is a manifestation of kamma being either kamma productive or kamma resultant. The aversion toward seeing your dad is no exception. All aversion is rooted in hatred (patigha) and delusion (moha). Is it bad? Yes in that hatred and delusion are always accompanied by unpleasant feelings (domanassa/grief) and never with pleasant feelings (somanassa/joy).

In a perfect world we would disregard people's shortcomings and the wrongs they have done to us. But, we do not live in a perfect world so it's up to us to grow toward this ideal. It isn't easy and it takes lots of work.

I too had a poor relationship with my father. I tried to make it work but I didn't have the right understandings to get there. He passed away long ago and I still feel guilt and remorse at times that I couldn't get past those things that kept us apart. It was foolish of me to expect him to be something he wasn't when I couldn't live up to my own expectations for myself.

I'll end with a quote from Thanissaro Bhikkhu, "Our actions are our longest lasting possessions." This includes our failures to act too.

Answer 4

In the Sigalovada Sutta the Buddha does say that children should minister to their parents

"In five ways, young householder, a child should minister to his parents as the East:

(i) Having supported me I shall support them, duties, (iii) I shall keep the family tradition, (iv) I shall make myself worthy of my inheritance, (v) furthermore I shall offer alms in honor of my departed relatives.

Clearly though this was advice given a very long time ago in a culture very different to ours. However the advice of

Having supported me I shall support them,

does still seem relevant today and perhaps pertinent to your situation. Ultimately though I would hesitate to say do or don't visit difficult relatives but I personally felt a lot better when I re-established contact with some family members. I felt like a source of suffering had been alleviated somewhat even though in many ways they remained as difficult as ever. Just my own experience.

Answer 5

The Buddha taught (at SN 10.12) that family members should try to develop truthfulness, mental training, patience & sacrifice/generosity towards eachother.

Therefore, if your father wishes for you to visit him, you should try to train yourself to have patience and generosity towards him & his family.

You should also try to be honest & truthful and speak your concerns to your father & ask your father to ask his sister to stop being unfriendly towards you.

If your aunt is unpleasant to you, you should try to be truthful & patient towards her and tell her you wish to visit your father; you wish to do what is best for your father; so to please stop being unfriendly towards you.

If a family member is making you feel bad, you should try to truthfully communicate your feelings to them.

While your situation is difficult & challenging, you should always remember it is not you that is making bad karma but them.

As a child, you should never blame yourself of doing bad karma when it is your parents & your aunt & uncle that have done bad karma.

Your parents divorcing was bad karma done by them. Your aunt & uncle getting angry at you is bad karma being done by them.

You seem to care about your father, which is good karma done by you.

Try to see who is doing the bad karma & try to develop the goal of being better than your parents, aunt & uncle.

The Buddha taught some parents have children that are morally better than the parents. You should try to develop yourself to be morally better.