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Few years ago, family put matrimonial ad in newspaper in India. We thought we selected nice person, but turns out he was abusive, unfaithful, and only wanted green card. Worse, he made me have miscarriage.

Now, I wish to move on with my life. One minute my heart says I want family to put matrimonial ad in newspaper in India again, next moment my heart says I want to keep busy in USA, maybe I will find person I am meant to marry here.

I asked God to give me sign, a "Yes" or "No" as to whether we should put another matrimonial ad (of course we learned from last time, will be million times more careful), but literally, one hour I think "Yes", next hour I think "No".

What does Buddhism teachings say in this case. For past few months I have been torturing myself mentally just thinking of this.

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    If you want to choose a marriage partner, see "Any authentic sutta from any tradition that gives guidance on what kind of partner to choose?" for advice on how to do that.
    – ChrisW ♦
    Commented Feb 21, 2016 at 12:46
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    @ChrisW That was a very good answer you gave.
    – Rhonda
    Commented Feb 21, 2016 at 13:11
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    Thank you. It's from a book written by a Sri Lankan monk who now teaches in Texas. It has different chapters for the various difficult subjects for lay people (e.g. wealth, relationships, family, conflict, succeeding socially, making decisions, etc.): it selects various suttas which give the Buddha's advice or Buddhist advice for each of those subjects. It's a useful anthology of Buddhist teachings for laypeople.
    – ChrisW ♦
    Commented Feb 21, 2016 at 13:23
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    To seek the mistake FIRST by one self. Noting is for free, so the lesser your desires, the lesser the problems. Matrimonial ad is not a way to find a partner and its clear that you have to pay what you promised when you put your self to be for sold. Did you keep that promise? Focus on your duties and you find them here: The Discourse to Sigala (at the end of the Sutta, toward you husband)
    – user11235
    Commented Feb 22, 2016 at 6:02

3 Answers 3

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It's important to understand that any amount of external situations happen which may not go your way. When it goes your way, you're happy and God doesn't come into the picture. And when it doesn't, sometimes God doesn't help. ;)

So the idea is to accept the external situation as it is, because it was never in your control. And keep living with the moments in life. If you let an external situation faze you out too much, you're lost.

Understand this fact. What we are in control of is ourselves, our internal reactions and responses to anything.

So whatever situation life brings you, just take it in the right stride and keep smiling and going. Simply accept it. There is no need to fear anything. Fear is ego's response to a threat on its existence.

Don't struggle with yourself. If you put an ad in the matrimonial page, don't expect things to go right. But don't expect things to go wrong either. Just let it be. Because the future is only imaginary if we think about it. So let the future be whatever it is. Have faith in yourself that you can deal with anything.

The way to deal with it is to introspect if you are ready, put the ad. And hope it goes right by analyzing the person clearly. Go with the flow. Because life is to be lived whatever the situation may be, sportively.

(PS: And please, don't expect a certain God, to help out whenever you are in trouble. That is simply wishful thinking.)

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  • I like the advice you gave and I understand Buddhism doesn't believe in concept of a God.
    – Rhonda
    Commented Feb 21, 2016 at 4:06
  • I really love this advice you gave and am reading it over and over. Right now, I'm working on improving myself, by developing skills in hobbies I enjoy, working on continuing adult education, and who knows, I may get accepted into University later this year. I wish I can laminate what you wrote :-)
    – Rhonda
    Commented Feb 21, 2016 at 22:03
  • @Rhonda glad if it helps. Don't get too attached to my answer ;)
    – esh
    Commented Feb 22, 2016 at 1:44
  • Okay, ok, you are right, attachment is the root of dukkha (sadness)
    – Rhonda
    Commented Feb 22, 2016 at 2:10
  • Well, I wouldn't say dukkha is sadness as a literal translation. Dukkha is more like an "unsatisfactoriness". Things in life satisfy you for a certain period of time. And then they lose their charm. That is Dukkha.
    – esh
    Commented Feb 22, 2016 at 2:13
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Buddhism has principles called “Sama-jivi Dhamma” for couple to ensure their compatibility and provide a firm foundation for a long married life. Sama-jivi dhamma concerns four qualities:

  1. Sama-saddha: having compatible faith; they uphold the same religion, revere the same objects of worship, concepts, beliefs or principles, and share the same lines of interest- they are equally firm in all these or can reach agreement on them.

  2. Sama-sila: having compatible morality; they have conduct, morality, ethics, manners and upbringing which are harmonious or compatibility.

  3. Sama-caga: having compatible generosity; they are in accord, not conflict, with each other in their generosity, hospitality, munificence, sacrifice, and readiness to help others.

  4. Sama-panna: having compatible intelligence; they are sensible and can understand each other; they can at least reason with each other.

You don't have to limit yourself to one method of finding a partner. You can try all the accepted ways. But, whether it is a love marriage or an arranged marriage, it is best to date for about an year and find out if you are compatible, before tying the knot.

As far as dealing with the capricious nature of your own mind, Vipassana meditation is the way to go.

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    I totally agree! Traditionally marriage is done early after few days meeting. Better to spend a year really knowing the person.
    – Rhonda
    Commented Feb 21, 2016 at 13:14
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Love is foundation of a relationship. Instead of marriage focus on love. If you have positive vibration you will attract persons of positive vibrations to you. Also you will be able to feel the person instead of judging the person. Looks like your understanding of very natural phenomenon (man/woman) is shallow and taking recourse to religion to understand simple basic concepts is not advisable at this stage. Love is energy and if you are full of love i.e. energy it will attract others to you. Try to be healthy and cheerful and forget about marriage. Marriage is second step when love changes its dimension. When two people want to dissolve themselves into each other and decide to live together its called marriage. I know of a couple where if one is hurt the other feels it (one in a million). Marriage which you know of is a lawful arrangement by the society and therefore utterly flawed.

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  • Please explain this: `Looks like your understanding of very natural phenomenon (man/woman) '. But I agree, I'm focusing on being happy right now, and let the flow of nature, Way of the Tao take it's course.
    – Rhonda
    Commented Feb 22, 2016 at 2:13
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    two forces of Nature - man/woman, yin/yang, masculine/feminine, There is no completeness within and without. Your longings for opposite sex is built in. How can you ignore that aspect? Yearnings for the other exist in both physical and metaphysical sense. If you can feel a person positive vibes go on and have a relationship. But for that to happen you need to be healthy (physically, mentally, emotionally) otherwise you will endup with one more disaster. One simple way is to accept everything that comes your way (Tao). But one should not be bothered about religion at this juncture.
    – Shashank Khare
    Commented Feb 22, 2016 at 5:59
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    desire and love go together...platonic love is a myth. A man or a woman has a dual existence - body and soul i.e. physical and metaphysical. Therefore any relationship which satisfoes both physical and spiritual needs is fulfulling.
    – Shashank Khare
    Commented Feb 22, 2016 at 12:56
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    sexual expression leads to habit formation and West is obsessed with sex. Trouble is sex gives you an experience far greater than any material thing on earth. Until and unless u experience something far greater than sex, sex will not drop. That experience is what religion gives you. Samana please do not find fault with sex. Find the thing which takes you beyond it. If marriage takes you there marry someone. If loving somebody takes you there then love like hell. But get that experience for god sake. Talking about marriage and problem associated with sex will not help you.
    – Shashank Khare
    Commented Feb 23, 2016 at 14:06
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    In Tibet buddhist and tantric traditions combined to create buddhist tantra. Its a unique blend of hinduism and buddhism. FYI sex is used in certain tantric traditions to attain enlightenment. Now what do u think of sex Samana? Nothing is good or bad in this world...its just the way you use it. I hope this puts an end to this topic.
    – Shashank Khare
    Commented Feb 23, 2016 at 14:20

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