Ok, my "meditation" is physical exercise where I
- concentrate on what I am doing
- concentrate on my breath
If I exercise in morning, I feel violent anger.
When I confront why I feel such anger, I start to cry and talk to God Almighty (that is my believe system. I understand Buddhism doesn't believe in God, but rather, the awareness that we are living in illusion breaks you free. Similar belief in Hinduism except they believe in outer God and inner God and when those two reconcile, it gives awareness that we are living in illusion)
If I exercise in afternoon after I come home from office, I feel heavy sadness.
It's as if I want to cry, but the tears cannot come out, and the only comfort I can get is a nice hug from a big teddy bear, or I will feel comfort in wearing a warm sweater, even though it is summer.
How to deal with it without being ashamed of such feelings?
I know Buddha just looked these feelings straight in the eye, but were these feelings ever so bad for him?
Maybe Buddhism and Hinduism say those feelings come from actions in past life, i.e. we weren't humans, but rather animals in the jungle who has a "kill or be killed" mentality, which is really similar for many humans.
I considered posting this in fitness.stackexchange.com, but I believe this falls more in line with meditation and what Buddha teaches.
I believe the following is relevant.
When I was younger I had patellar sublaxation, where the knee patella would be unstable, come out of joint, and I would cry and scream in pain till the patella was put back in place. I would be traumatized rest of the day.
I was told to do exercises for patellar sublaxation, and to increase strength around knee.
When I jog (which is great for knee strength, and resistance), I have horrible flashbacks of that traumatic pain, and I keep trying to reassure myself that everything is ok, I am working towards a solution with exercise, but my thoughts keep going back to that dark place, and I keep thinking, what karmas must be worked out and resolved?
Thanks for any guidance!