You start by saying, "I don't want to consult any doctor about my obsession".
I suggest that what you want (and what you don't want) are part of the problem: and should not be considered as a reliable guide for what you ought to be doing. It is your using "what I want" as a guide that has led you into this situation, from which you find it difficult to escape by yourself.
Perhaps you should follow (i.e. look for, and then follow) someone else's advice, for a change, even if their advice doesn't sound like something that you want.
The Kalama Sutta for example suggests that greed will arise, aversion will arise, ignorance or delusion will arise. Their arising is inevitable, but what you must do is to not be "overcome" when they arise.
You might be in the habit of thinking,
I want X: therefore I shall have X.
Whereas it would be better to think,
The thought that 'I want X' has arisen, nevertheless I shall (bear up and) continue to not have X.
Continuing the Kalama Sutta, the kind of person who you should trust as a teacher on this subject should someone who is not greedy, not aversive, and not delusive: i.e. an "ungreedy person, not overcome by greed, his mind not possessed by greed" etc.
Such a person might be a doctor, or a monk, or they might be people at a "12 step program" meeting.
My guess is that you may have social needs (need for family and/or friends), that meeting new people might be good for you.
In summary, don't trust "what I want" and "what I don't want", and instead look for advice that is 'blameless', 'praised by the wise', and 'skillful'.
Regarding your 'will to be a buddha', I think that the last part of the Kalama Sutta says that you are more able to practice the immeasurables (i.e. compassion etc.) after you are 'free':
"Now, Kalamas, one who is a disciple of the noble ones — thus devoid of greed, devoid of ill will, undeluded, alert, & resolute — keeps pervading the first direction [the east] — as well as the second direction, the third, & the fourth — with an awareness imbued with good will. Thus he keeps pervading above, below, & all around, everywhere & in every respect the all-encompassing cosmos with an awareness imbued with good will: abundant, expansive, immeasurable, free from hostility, free from ill will.
Apart from the mistake of following 'what I want' and 'what I don't want' when what you want is intoxicating (poisonous), another mistake is to "bargain" or try to negotiate, e.g. to say things like, "I will behave better after I make a new friend" or "after I'm rich" or "after I get advice that I like", etc. Some problems with that bargaining are:
- It's possible that you will never in the future feel satisfied enough
- It's possible that being sober is a necessary precondition to being skillful enough
I sympathize that you are likely to have problems other than your drugs or drinking:
- Because everyone (including you) does: the first noble truth is that 'suffering exists'
- Because your suffering must have been bad for you to have started with this habit
- Because this habit makes your suffering worse (by causing new problems and by making you less able to address existing problems)
But don't tell yourself, "I will stop this habit when I stop having other problems." It sounds like you'd be better to stop this habit even though you still have other problems. "Accept" that those other problems may persist for a while even after you begin to learn how to live without this habit.
I think that Buddhism doesn't claim to be the cessation of suffering, it claims to be "the Way towards" the cessation of suffering (third noble truth).
Buddhism says that what we do habitually make a difference. For example, the Dhammapada says,
Think not lightly of evil, saying, "It will not come to me." Drop by drop is the water pot filled. Likewise, the fool, gathering it little by little, fills himself with evil.
Think not lightly of good, saying, "It will not come to me." Drop by drop is the water pot filled. Likewise, the wise man, gathering it little by little, fills himself with good.
The present moment is what we have. I hope you find freedom, now.