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I am very close to someone in my family. I have supported her through rough times and offered my advice. However, she does not support me for the one thing I want in life. I am working hard to achieve my goal (career related), but she is completely against it. I have to live with her, and interact with her everyday and I feel her negative vibes around me. It really hurts my feelings. How can I deal with this issue and maintain peace in my mind?

Thank you, I appreciate it.

closed as off-topic by Robin111, Crab Bucket, dmsp, Andrei Volkov Nov 22 '14 at 23:24

This question appears to be off-topic. The users who voted to close gave this specific reason:

  • "This question does not appear to be about Buddhist philosophy, teaching, and practice, within the scope defined in the help center." – Robin111, Crab Bucket, dmsp, Andrei Volkov
If this question can be reworded to fit the rules in the help center, please edit the question.

  • Welcome to Buddhism.SE! This is a good question, but I'm not sure if it's on topic for this site in particular. It seems more general if I'm understanding it correctly. If not, perhaps add in how it relates to your practice of Buddhism? – Robin111 Nov 20 '14 at 12:14
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Try to understand her perspective. Why does she not support your choices? What is her intentions? Perhaps she just loves and cares for you and her thinking/rational is how she is trying to care for you. If you can better understand her it will help her to better understand you.

Practice metta (loving kindness) meditation with her as your focus. Perhaps even practice loving-kindness meditation together.

  • I've tried understanding her intentions. She thinks I'm not smart enough, and doubts I'll succeed. Thanks for the advice. I'll continue meditation/loving kindness. I – ancient Nov 19 '14 at 17:10
  • Now try to understand the causes & conditions of her intentions. This is at the heart of the Buddha's teachings. Right Understanding will cultivate compassion and happiness. – Thien Nov 19 '14 at 17:43
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I never expected this kind of a question in here! :D

But let's see if we can help out a bit.

The peace you lack is because you can't accept that she disagrees. You are struggling to be right, and so is she. Perhaps some clarity would help: she's the only one who can clearly tell you her feelings on this, so she's the one you have to talk to in order to resolve this.

The pain is because you are trying to have control over the situation (based on your explanation of things). And so I would recommend meditation on why you feel the need to control and dominate this decision. It's not hers; it's yours. You are the one who has to live with the consequences of making it in either case. Except that she believes it also impacts her (and she wouldn't oppose it if she thought it would turn out well).

Consider her input, find out if she's willing to help you understand, and by all means listen! But if she isn't convincing to you, consider what it is that she's seeing, and try to come up with a way that it won't be an issue for her.

Generally, there is no way to avoid conflict, but if you take it from a position of having her explain her reasons to you so that you can understand why she's so opposed to it, you may find a solution you're looking for and avoid further issue.

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In the end, you can't control someone's feelings, but you can control your reaction. Perhaps, you are expecting her to approve. Our expectations can cause suffering.

Metta and loving kindness meditation I suspect would be helpful. When you sit down to meditate, imagine three people: Someone you care a great deal about and reciprocates, someone who is neutral, and someone who feels animosity towards you and/or vice versa. You wish each of them less suffering and that they will be happy. I can't remember what order you go in though.

The idea is be positive even towards those who may not approve.

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This universe is kind of a continuous message thrown to every and each of us. Maybe you could try to understand the message the reality is trying to send you by this relationship, and with more emphasis when she is so near to you. What you understand must be separated from judge, even separated a bit of "love", maybe, in order to " clean" or maybe to get nearer of the neighbours perspective. With a better understanding of this message, only you can choose what to do about it. I am talking, but I have the same problem almost every day. Every mind is a little universe, and time and experience make them the way they are now.

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The above answer is partly right. Going into someone else's limited perspective and feeling compassion for them is good but how often can you do this? There are negative people abound.

A shortcut: Don't try to understand the other person's perspective too much. The more you try to understand their perspective the more you will believe it! Stay away from such people or at least when they become like that.

Stay in your mind. Find reasons for why you WILL succeed. ACT. See yourself succeeding (in your mind and especially in reality). IMAGINE IT. ACTUALLY DO IT. ACTUALLY SUCCEED, AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN. Don't care what others think.

Doubt your doubts. You do not know what they are truly thinking. You never can! Even if you ask them, they may say one thing but in their hearts believe another thing. For example, the person who is jealous of you will tell you that you will fail but is in fact strongly believes in you but cannot ever admit it verbally. Another example: teenage life these days where a person will make fun of you to try to "make you stronger" or "get you to prove them wrong". They actually love you and want to help but have too much ego. They want to save face so they give you negative attention instead. The silliness is endless!

STAY IN YOUR OWN HEAD. Empathize and move on. You are your first friend so own up to your thinking. Give yourself metta, mudita, karuna, upekkha. Give the same to others. But DO NOT LET OTHERS STEP ON YOU psychicly or emotionally otherwise you will never be able to help many people but will be trapped in a cycle of hate and resentment!

Basic tips? (I face the same thing you are facing x3)

  1. keep positive coversation. LEAD the interaction. Call out the person and END the interaction if goes down a negative route. don't fight fire with fire
  2. If after calling them out, they still berate you negatively, then look them right in the eye and tell them that you'd rather only talk to them if necessary until they learn to be more accepting and positive, not break people down etc.
  3. overall, be self-reliant on your own thoughts. You be your own judge. Learn to develop this.

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