What's the Buddhist take on dysfunctional familes?

Question

What would be the Buddhist take on dealing with coming from a dysfunctional family which included physical violence and neglect? It has left me feeling a chronic sense of abandonment, unimportant, low self worth, lack of trust in people or ability to make new friends etc and at times a strong desire of unbecoming.

I'm 56 now and started practising insight in my 40s but I still have so much baggage and no real insight into anatta. Im a recluse now and feel like a very hurt lonely person. I get intellectually that there is no solid thing behind all these thoughts and hurt from my past but it still feels very real and very strong and I continue to live as such and act in self protective and defensive ways.

Practising has brought me some peace and calm but that's about all. I can't say I feel much joy or happiness in my life. I do practice metta but it just feels forced and fake tbh. I have this very strong urge to isolate myself more and more. I don't like this world or most of the people in it.

Answer 1

It’s a chance to learn. Learning so that we can avoid the same mistakes of others (and maybe our own). It can be especially devastating when the wrong and harmful behaviours of the people whom we are supposed to respect, care for and look up to (e.g. our parents, spouse and loved ones) ended up hurting us.

Learning is hard and painful because it meant trying to understand why they do what they did. It meant trying to go under the very skin of the people we had grown to detest and despise. What were the reasons for them to act the way they did? Understanding those reasons and causes is the first step towards closure. It is also the beginning of frustration and despair. I came to realize that they are often victims of their own selfish habits, repeated failures as a result of character weaknesses as well as unfortunate circumstances.

Why are some people hot temper despite being seemingly pleasant at first impression? I suspect that it is a result of suppressed desire over years and even decades. Finally, something good came along and they think that their sacrifices are rewarded. But then things just didn’t turn out as expected (which is often the case in life). This resulted in deep disappointment which give way to tremendous frustration and anger that they subsequently vent out on those closest to them. I believe these selfish habits and weaknesses are so interwoven into their personality and character that there is nothing that we can do for them if they don’t understand or wish to change; thus, the despair and frustration.

I hope acceptance will come eventually as it is the final step towards closure, at least it was for myself. As much as I would like to help them see how their selfish habits had come to hurt and destroy the huge potential for happiness in their current life, there is a limit to what can done by others. Isn’t it ironical that this selfish desire to be happy could end up making the person and those around them miserable? Sometimes, I deeply believe that if only they realized the problems and consequences of their habitual behaviour, even if they failed to change in this lifetime; perhaps, after they had forgotten their habitual ways, their mind may incline towards a different personality in another life. But this too maybe asking for too much.

If we learnt the mistakes of others, even though we paid the price as victims, there is some confidence that we will not make the same mistake. As we know what to look out for and avoid. But more importantly, this process of learning, reflecting and understanding the cause and effect of people’s behaviour is something that we can then apply to our own lives. We also learn to transform a painful mental, emotional and physical journey into a rich spiritual one. While learning how to endure the physical and emotional pain, we gather the strength and patience needed to work out the whys, what and how. Above all, we learn to discover, trust and rely on the peace within. We may not be able to solve the problems of people closest to us but we can be a master of our own life. Hopefully, its conclusion would also be to our own likings.

I remember in a talk by Ajahn Brahm, he said the difficulties in life are like manure. Some let it contaminate, infect and destroy their lives. Others used them to grow their virtues, wisdom and peace. In the Dhammapada, it was said:

Greater in battle than the man who would conquer a thousand-thousand men, is he who would conquer just one – himself.

As Buddhists, it is not so bad at all. We have the Dharma to help convert the shit in our life into fertilizers for our spiritual growth.

Depending on one’s inclination, we can further reach out and help others in similar situations. Volunteering our time, energy besides money is a way to turn our disadvantages into an advantage. Our life’s problems become a deep motivation to help and spare others from similar difficulties. For example, if poverty was the cause for the dysfunction we experienced then when we had subsequently overcome poverty ourselves, we could perhaps give a regular donation to those disadvantaged families struggling to raise their young ones. There are many charitable organisations involved in such causes. Again, I find being involved in charity of any kind to be helpful for moving on.

Answer 2

There are many Pali suttas (such as AN 3.37 & DN 27) referring to how the dhamma fluctuates in the world in cycles of increase & decline. Note: the word 'dhamma' can also refer to a genuine moral code in any religion.

DN 31, particularly in its section on the 'Six Directions', is a sutta which explains in detail how the various people in a society, including parents & children, husbands & wives and employers & employees, should ideally relate to & act towards one another. When dhamma in the world declines, these various social relationships can become dysfunctional.

Related to the above, there are suttas, such as Iti 74, which is about how a morally superior son can have unethical parents, and AN 4.53, which is about how either a husband or wife or both or neither can be unethical.

Today, as I generally do on a Sunday, I attended an anti-genocide protest. It always inspires yet also makes me sad to see many people at these protests from a traditional simple culture; how gentle & ethical they appear. For example, today, I spent an hour walking behind this lady (with whom and many others we were carrying a very large flag) and my mind kept perceiving/noting how this lady looked like a saint (her facial skin & faculties were so clear). From time to time, all these young children would come smiling & laughing around this lady (who they obviously knew), as they would sometimes help carry the flag or otherwise run under the flag & having fun.

If we come from the West, we may observe how many believe the West is a moral or ethical civilisation but, in reality, despite its historical pretenses to religion, the West probably has the most brutal recent history of all societies, such as engaging in chattel slavery, a Monarchial-Capitalist-Neo-Feudal socially exploitative Industrial Revolution, countless 19th century wars, which all culminated in two World Wars resulting in around 100 million deaths, including the related rise of totalitarian ('asura') systems of government such as Communism and its counter Fascism plus a Capitalist Great Depression. Today, we can witness the West continue its unfettered lawless brutality in various parts of the world.

The above is all related to the decline or absence of 'dhamma'. From brutal societies with worker exploitation or from brutal wars or from the cruel Great Depression came some of our parents, depending on our age. If it was not our parents, it was their parents, and this absence of 'dhamma' ('ethics'; 'kindness'; 'humaneness') was passed down, from generation to generation. Social cruelty afflicted upon parents resulted in cruelty afflicted upon their children; or otherwise, other types of dysfunction. If our parents or family were unloving to us; it was generally because cruel things happened to them. While my father was never cruel to me, I remember once him unable to talk about the Great Depression, how hungry they were for food. Tears came in his eyes, but he could not talk anymore and he nearly lost consciousness. I was shocked how his mind subconsciously remained so deeply traumatized by the Great Depression.

It follows the Buddha taught (in Iti 74) a son (or daughter) can be ethically superior to their parents; and, unlike their parents, the son (or daughter) can take refuge in the Buddha, Dhamma & Sangha. The son or daughter can follow a different path than their parents; a path which leads upwards.

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As for this current world, today, the cycle of improving 'dhamma' since WW2 started to decline in the mid-1980s, with the return of Neo-Liberalism. We do not need to get carried away with evangelical Buddhist teachings about 'metta'. In the suttas, the Buddha gave priority to developing dispassion/distaste/non-delight towards the world (AN 10.60).

Today, I was walking in the big city, surrounded by sky-scrapers, with a saintly looking woman in front of me from a past culture, understanding the pointlessness of my endeavour (however I return each Sunday) and my mind was reflecting: "The ending of the sankharas is bliss".

Buddhism instructs us to strive for peace; to reflect on impermanence; including the impermanence of our life. Try to reflect on whatever hardships may have afflicted your parents & family. All our lives will pass away soon enough. The Dhammapada says: There are those who do not realize that one day we all must die. But those who do realize this settle their quarrels. (Dhp 6).

Answer 3

Some teachers say that in practice you should find a balance between too relaxed and too tense, like in the Sona Sutta. And I've found that constantly putting pressure on yourself to change through Buddhist practice actually builds up more and more stress over weeks and months, til you have to take a day or so off. Ajahn Chah said it's unskillful, practicing with desire to gain something, and that the desire itself causes suffering, but you don't realize it. Watching yourself for desire and aversion, and letting go of them is a good practice.

In some situations the best effort may be the effort to make no effort, as one teacher said; to let go and rest, like in the ripples on water metaphor. But even then, in order to do that mindfulness has to be present, which is good. Mindfulness is remembering, and remembering doesn't take any strain.

Ajahn Brahm always says to let go, make peace, be kind (including to yourself). You could say especially to yourself, since being under stress makes you lash out at others and be much more easily annoyed with them. He's also said that the message of Buddhism is that as long as you want things to be different than they are, you can never be happy.

For what it's worth, reclusion has always been an ideal in practically all spiritual traditions. And the Dharma teaches us to see how everything is dukkha, so if life circumstances haven't made you go all in on samsara, then that's probably a good thing, and you have a natural advantage.

A lot of suttas talk about developing contentment. Gratitude and contentment with what you already have is something you hear a lot outside of Buddhism too. It's the kind of thing you have to remember to actually spend some time thinking about and having as your intention, or else desire and aversion will kick in and pretty soon you're finding fault with everything and talking yourself into being miserable. Ajahn Brahm said if you've got a fault finding mind, you're gonna really suffer.

Same with sympathetic joy, being happy for others, it takes sustained attention for it to increase, but not force, like you mentioned. And there is a way to bypass the resistance when metta seems forced, by simply imagining what IF there was metta, and what that would be like. Also you can still have good will even when you're not happy.

And what is the food for the arising of unarisen ill will, or for the growth & increase of ill will once it has arisen? There is the theme of resistance. To foster inappropriate attention to it... -SN 46.51

Ill will is unhappiness. Thich Nhat Hanh taught the always reliable principle of non resistance further and said to actually embrace your ill will, and take care of it. It's like pouring water on a fire.