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As someone in his 30s, I wish to find a partner to grow old with. At the same time, it’s quite stressful that nowadays my family and friends are constantly pushing me to find someone quickly as I am getting older. I never had a relationship and never felt this pressure, but I don’t understand what I am missing here to feel this restless.

  1. I can’t function in daily life if I’m constantly thinking about “How will I get this girl to date me?”
  2. If I rush into a relationship, I might end up with someone not compatible which will cause more suffering.

I tried reading about it from a Buddhist perspective. But everything I found mostly describe how to sustain romantic relationships. I would really appreciate if someone could help.

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Buddhism strongly emphasizes identifying a compatible partner, as shown in the following two scriptures:

  1. Samajivina Sutta: Living in Tune

  2. Paṭhamasaṁvāsa Sutta: Living Together

A summary with brief commentary of some of the Buddhist teachings on this subject is found at this link: Buddhist's life standards: The Partner

One criteria not mentioned that is relevant for current life (due to medical birth control) is whether or not prospective partners wish to have children or not.

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I'm not a teacher, just a student.

When I abstained for years from any kind of sexual relationships I found out I needed no one, as if my desire was gone, I started to see people differently, boys and girls, and had better friendships with all kinds of people.

Later, when I stopped being celibate, I found myself wanting a relationship, I wanted a girlfriend by my side and started to see girls with desire - I saw them for what they could be in my life, and felt the urge to have sex. So I guess normal people see with desire, people of the sex they are attracted to.

What I can say is that you can end that desire if you practice Buddhism. I know it might be hard but try to abstain from all sex. If you feel that urge, say no to that energy below - go for a walk, go to pee as that can give you urges, or search online for some techniques. I say this because for you to practice tantric sex you need to know other more advanced techniques. So normal sex, even though it's ok to have it, it won't give you nirvana.

If you manage to practice celibacy you might find a friend, without the eyes of desire, and maybe who knows with time you might fall in love in love for him/her. And if you are a Buddhist, I would advise for you to be a part of a Buddhist sangha and to find a Buddhist practitioner you like.

You can ignore celibacy if you are not ready. But if you are, you will feel better in case you pull it off. At the same time, there are many Buddhists out there who don't practice celibacy and want the same as you.

There is another question here from a similar nature:

How can I remove my desire for a relationship/ girlfriend?

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Everything is romantic. You can romance with anyone if you are compassionate. Understand that no one is perfect. You will have to make an effort to love your date. Sometimes it will be easy , sometimes it will be difficult. From my point of view if I find someone immediately lovable then it is good but if I find someone not likeable at first sight then it is much better because it will let me grow up. It will let me understand that it takes effort to be compassionate and loving. It is your choice but if I was in your position I will choose what forces me to make an effort to like the love of my life.

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