I've been training in spirituality for for about 8 years. I used to do formal meditation practice couple of times a day. Now I find that I kind of live my life more in a meditative way. I'm living a quiet life alone currently, not working at the moment and spending most of my time on spiritual and meditative practice, a bit like a monastic life in some ways.
I've done reading on various different spiritual traditions, I'd say I've been inspired more by Zen and Taoism than anything else. I'm interested in advice from any spiritual background though really. Some days now I can feel The Way and I follow it, and I'm moving slowly and taking care of myself and I can feel my mind opening up to the world. On those days I feel peace and I know how to move forwards.
Some days I'm having trouble letting go of attachment, and it's costing me a lot, of time suffering. For example at the moment, I've told some friends they can stay with me next weekend. I know really that this is not The Way. I take in too much of other people's energy at the moment and I need to be alone. I'm having incredible difficulty ringing them to discuss this, I have some powerful attachment which I can't let go of.
It's been about four days that I've been full of internal conflict about this and I'm suffering a lot. I can't digest my food, sleep well or take care of myself properly because of how strong the fight inside of me is to not let go of this attachment. I've tried to talk about it with some people but they all just say, "well maybe it will be nice if your friends come", which hasn't been so helpful.
When I try to sit with this inner conflict it's pretty unbearable. To make some progress, I commit to myself that I am going to discuss this with my friends. Then after making this commitment the conflict is bearable enough for me to sit with it for a bit, and I understand something new. Then when I have understood something new, I think 'oh I don't feel so bad now maybe it would be ok for them to come'. My conviction wanes, I don't call, and the cycle repeats.
Does anyone have some advice on a spiritual dilemma such as this? I tell myself 'well just ring then', but I've not been able to yet.