I really need your help as I'm, in some sort of conflict about my path. I'll try to keep things short but i need to include some info about my life experience so far.
Now I'm 25 years old and all my life i have been chasing around my own tail. I had this mindset since i child that i need to achieve something in order to be happy. I always projected a brighter future and ideal version of myself and conditions. I could never live in the present, I was always stuck in my thoughts and imagination. After reaching every material goal, be it wealth, a fine girlfriend, a luxury watch, an automobile, a good physique, I crashed very hard and became depressed because I was slowly realizing that I have been living in illusions all my life and nothing will ever bring me happiness.
I started drinking and doing cocaine until I confessed to my beloved parents about my problems and then became clean. I have been clean for 2 years now. I basically felt very empty and the only thing which had any value from that point on was my family. I dropped every goal and letting go of everything and realizing how desperate and empty my life has been, was very very freeing. I felt peace for the first time but was still meet with emptiness and boredom. I would go on walks every day and ask myself: "what is the goal? What is the endgame? Why am I living? For what?"
Then finally I got into Buddhist literature and almost teared up reading how everything explained my suffering. That fueled me with energy and simply just the explaining of the cause calmed me even more without any meditation. Knowing I'm not the only one suffering who fell for these illusions.
So then i decided to read the Pali Canon and got recommended the mind illuminated and started directly to meditate.
The results have been phenomenal in just 2 weeks. I'm living more in the present day by day, I'm getting calmer, I don't recall pain from the past anymore, I project about the future less. I walk around my city and see a pub and I don't instantly build scenarios in my head. The images which are linked to certain things are finally getting broken. The association and experience to certain things is getting weaker and weaker. I'm not as emotional.
It's sort of a dispassion to things which is very freeing. I don't get excited as easily just to crash afterwards, I don't recall memories with certain images anymore. Its insane. Its a complete different reality and for the first time I'm living in the present and acting less impulsive getting dragged by my emotions and conditioned memories and experience when seeing something.
Now my question is following:
Where will this take me in the long term?
I read some post about a longterm meditator who had a bad experience according to him which i will quote at the end and I can already see some similarities between me and him which is somewhat anxious but in my opinion this calm dispassion and being free of conditioned experience and memories is exactly what is bringing me peace for the first time but why is he explaining it in such a depressing tone? What went wrong? This post always pops up in my head and I can't progress and enjoy my new path fully when I don't know what is up with it or maybe he's simply lying? The post was posted on 4chan so it could be exaggerated for whatever purpose.
Anyway I then read about dark nights and dukkha nanas and got even more confused about all of it but i see some dukkha nanas which my life experience already showed and gained insight? Like one nana described seeing a beautiful woman and not having the instant image in your head of possessing here and I already been past that because I know it doesn't bring me happiness or are dukkha nanas only related to meditation results?
Anyway, here is the post:
"Don’t meditate. I went to a retreat and was doing 5 hours a day after several years of doing it, and had a fxxking horrible experience. I realized what this insidious shit is actually doing. At first you think negative emotions and attachments are going away, that bullshit, it’s all emotions and attachments. Every tiny aspect and association that forms who you are is being slowly but surely chiselled away at during meditation.
If you pursue it, you will get to the point where it all collapses. You will look at yourself and see total absence, just nothing. Your identity is important, and everything about it goes away, all the things you thought mattered, all your plans for the future just fall into this facade of one dimensional nothingness. That is the end goal.
I don’t where all this happy shit comes from after this, it seems like this was the endgame all along. Everything feels dull, I feel like a zombie, I’m an empty hole and everything is just superficial nothingness. It’s not pleasant, I feel as though I’ve permanently damaged myself and my mind, and barely clung onto core aspects of myself. That’s what this shit does, never forget that. It will make you beyond a nihilist, and it won’t stop.
I can’t follow thoughts anymore because I’ve trained my mind to stop them- you can’t undo that. You will be unthinking, just reactionary, no judgments, no opinions, no emotions, no attachments, like a fxxking insect. That’s what this shit does, it makes you a fxxking insect. Like a bundle of nerves that just responds to things, there’s nothing really there.
All I am now is a weird fxxking void that drifts around and reacts to things without any sort of personality involved, like a programmed machine. I fxxking hate this so much. There would be no difference if I was dead, I basically feel like I am. Don’t start this path. Even if you do only like 10 minutes a day, this is the endgame, this is what it’s slowly doing to you.