I am asking personal help, I want to renounce my home?

Question

Sorry for what I want seek help from someone. The matter is most serious.

I belong to middle class family of Indian village. My father died when I was 7 years old. My mother took very pain to raise me up to higher education and then I was seeking a job. That time is very hard for me, for I failed at every interview. Life is full of sorrow and pocket barely have any money to cope with any difficulties which I received from my mother time to time.

Then I nearly broke and felt the pain when my sister's husband beat her in one instance. I literally cried and pain was dual as I am even jobless. It was year 2012 then, my time almost lost in loneliness and solitude. I started praying and reading Buddha's word and found something to come from pain. I heartily followed Buddha's path of purity upto my level and when I eat, I eat a little with my attention verily focus when I eat.

Suddenly a light came, that was year 2012. The light goes on expanding year on year till 2013 and my mind attained full of bliss. I could stand on my terrace like a lamb immersed in the bliss for nearly 8 months. Its like I am at the feet of Lord. Afterwards when the bliss fades away, there comes the insight.

The word started appearing on my fore and I concentrated it day by day. But, suddenly when the word appears, I felt heavenly sound like beating of drum or flute playing, I move to that with my focus from where this sound coming. Then there appear 2nd word and I felt very joy, like I have found someone. Its like my Teacher is appeared before me. I concentrated day and night to be with that word.

I surprisingly got the job in Bank as a officer, even in interview I gave silly answers as my mind want to be monk at that time. 2013-2017 I work in the bank, but I feel I am going back towards the painful world. In 2017 I left that job,as people scolded me as I left the Government job, including my mother. My foot turn back to home, to tell my story and path to my mother. How I got it and it's the path choose me to leave the job. I felt before leaving my 62 year mother alone, I have to tell the way. In that period, something flashed in closed eye and I attained vision, like union with teacher.

Then in 2019 I got covid19 like symptoms all over my body, even before China declared the outbreak. Nothing happened to me except same symptoms of covid19 for days. After some time even that symptoms vanished and I felt amaze the very people on earth suffering the same. I felt again dejected, would I be the epicenter and responsible person to death of many.

Now I am lost and I desperately want to leave home. Can't do with my 62 year old mother. She will be alone. No one to care for her. I sometimes felt, somebody attacked me, like Mara. Or someone is taking the pain of this humanity by giving me Covid19.

I felt sometime that I am sacrificial person. Sometime, the words of Buddha comes to me, 'Only few saints and sages can't revive the pain of mankind, king asks: so what you would do then? Buddha replied: I don't know'. May be he was searching to relieve the pain of mankind with heavenly help. May be he sacrificed himself, just like what is happening to me.

I need a guide now. What shall I do? Should I leave home right away leaving my mother behind alone?

Sorry for the personal matter to bother everyone. But, may be someone can help! May all being happy!

Answer 1

There once was a potter named Ghaṭīkāra, who was the chief supporter of Buddha Kassapa. He was a lay person, deeply devout, and was once asked why he did not go forth.

MN81:11.2: ‘Dear Ghaṭīkāra, you have heard this teaching, so why don’t you go forth from the lay life to homelessness?’

His answer was simple:

MN81:11.3: ‘Don’t you know, dear Jotipāla, that I look after my blind old parents?’

Ghaṭīkāra was also a non-returner.

MN81:18.6: Ghaṭīkāra has gone for refuge to the Buddha, the teaching, and the Saṅgha. He doesn’t kill living creatures, steal, commit sexual misconduct, lie, or take alcoholic drinks that cause negligence. He has experiential confidence in the Buddha, the teaching, and the Saṅgha, and has the ethics loved by the noble ones. He is free of doubt regarding suffering, its origin, its cessation, and the practice that leads to its cessation. He eats in one part of the day; he’s celibate, ethical, and of good character. He has set aside gems and gold, and rejected gold and money. He’s put down the shovel and doesn’t dig the earth with his own hands. He takes what has crumbled off by a riverbank or been dug up by mice, and brings it back in a carrier. When he has made a pot, he says, “Anyone may leave bagged sesame, mung beans, or chickpeas here and take what they wish.” He looks after his blind old parents. And since he has ended the five lower fetters, Ghaṭīkāra will be reborn spontaneously and will become extinguished there,

The story of Ghaṭīkāra shows that one can take refuge in the Buddha, the teaching and the Saṅgha while living a simple life at home.

May your suffering ease in the limitless.

Answer 2

First of all it's importand to do not take ones ideas higher as what one would be taught and trained once gotten accept by a serious Sangha, propably after a longer "test-period" as good householder seemingly is a "previous member of other sects". If good householder could imagine to lower himself for a secure going forth, then good for the secound point:

Good householder should speak in any case open and with lot of gratitude with his mother on his aspiration, and then, if sure, asking her for going forth and accept her decision.

Of course good anyway to seek out for a Sangha and a teacher (personal Nissaya) whom good householder may ask if he accepts him, so that he could announce one when asking for acceptance. Good also, to get more familar to community life in chosen monastery. All much good householder would need to look for, for now. And nothing to worry, since one serious and not just confused, the Devas will open the gates.

[Note that this isn't given for stacks, exchange, other world-binding trades, but for an escape from this wheel]