Personal relationships and properly ending them

Question

Upasaka Karl mentioned in an answer:

Relationships have a beginning. And because they have a beginning, they also have an end. Thoughtless endings, ghosting and worse, hurt both parties. It is sad to treat each other like an Amazon shopping experience. We become each other's dismissable clickbait. Yet perhaps a thoughtless ending was matched by a thoughtless beginning. Perhaps we can consider and nurture relationships that matter.

1. Isn't it merely the case that personal relationships never really end, that some of the debts remain forever? That one actually stays bonded forever, even after ending of a relationship...

2. What are the valid reasons for ending a personal relationship?

3. How to end a relationship properly?

4. Which (as it were) "relationship" can't be ended, once gotten into?

5. What's the effect of denying being in a personal relationship and consuming outside of it, thinking "I am free" or "this is my right"?

[Note that this isn't given for stacks, exchange, other worldbinding trades and relation-misuse but to escape toward]

Answer 1

Personal ("sexual") relationship is a fiction, a hallucination. To paraphrase my Zen master, what worldly people call "love" is an obsession, a disease of the mind. Ownership of people is slavery and so is the owning relationships between people.

As said in the prophecy of Maitreya in the Maitreyavyākaraṇa:

[Gods, people, and other sentient beings] will lose their doubts, and the torrents of their cravings will be cut off: free from all misery they will manage to cross the ocean of becoming; and, as a result of Maitreya's teachings, they will lead a holy life. No longer will they regard anything as their own, they will have no possession, no gold or silver, no home, no relatives! But they will lead the holy life of oneness under Maitreya's guidance.

Answer 2

Conventionally, relationships are clinging aggregates that bring delight and suffering. One chases beauty and finds skeletons after a time.

Setting aside the clinging, relationships are just aggregates. They are named forms. For example, "father and mother" are relationships, named aggregates, for all posting here.

For those who go forth, the relationship with mother and father changes. One must with respect and gratitude request parent's permission before going forth. One asks permission to end the relationship with home and start a relationship with homelessness.

MN82:6.8: “Raṭṭhapāla, Buddhas don’t give the going forth to the child of parents who haven’t given their permission.”

In contrast, denying a relationship leads to lies and stealing.

AN3.70:3.11: “I don’t belong to anyone anywhere! And nothing belongs to me anywhere!”’...

AN3.70:3.25: This, I say, is lying. When the night has passed they use their possessions once more, though they’ve not been given back to them. This, I say, is stealing.

There are also special relationships. For example, the Four Noble Truths have a relationship with one another. As far as I know, that relationship is permanent, but that's beyond me.

And finally, with the ending of wishes, one disappears into a "permanent relationship" with emptiness.

MN121:13.1: Whatever ascetics and brahmins enter and remain in the pure, ultimate, supreme emptiness—whether in the past, future, or present—all of them enter and remain in this same pure, ultimate, supreme emptiness. So, Ānanda, you should train like this: ‘We will enter and remain in the pure, ultimate, supreme emptiness.’

Answer 3

The suttas appear to teach relationships based on right moral view are permanent:

....young householder, should a wife as the West be ministered to by a husband: (iii) by being faithful to her. The wife thus ministered to as the West by her husband shows her compassion to her husband...: (iii) she is faithful... DN 31

If both husband & wife want to see one another not only in the present life but also in the life to come, they should be in tune [with each other] in conviction, in tune in virtue, in tune in generosity, and in tune in discernment. AN 4.55

Admirable friendship, admirable companionship, admirable camaraderie is actually the whole of the holy life. SN 45.2

Answer 4

Upasaka Karl mentioned in an answer:

Relationships have a beginning. And because they have a beginning, they also have an end. Thoughtless endings, ghosting and worse, hurt

both parties. It is sad to treat each other like an Amazon shopping experience. We become each other's dismissable clickbait. Yet perhaps a thoughtless ending was matched by a thoughtless beginning. Perhaps we can consider and nurture relationships that matter.

Relationships are impermanent. They result in suffering. But when ? Only when we attach to them. Only when we cling to them. No matter how thoughtfully you begin it will end. Relationships with the followers of Dhamma or the relationships with those who serve the society in the right way are worth giving considerations.

Isn't it merely the case that relations, because still debts, don't end? That one actually stays bond...  

Relations are impermanent.

What are valid reasons to end a relation?  

Thoughts of renunciation is the right thought no matter what is the worldly reason. You give up a relation to form a bigger or greater relationship like Buddha or Jesus. Father son relationship , Mother and child relationship with all.

How to end a relation proper?  

Just leave. Do not be angry or agitated. Be grateful for getting the opportunity to be a monk or for getting a valuable experience in life.

Which 'relation' isn't possible to end, once gotten into?  

Some relations last long. Some relations are spiritual. If you are a thief , police will be in relations with you until you are punished. If you are an actor , crowds will be in relations with you until you become boring. If you are a monk who has returned to the world then Mara will give you all that you want until your Dhamma is exhausted. But there is no relation which has no end.

What's the effect of denying being related and consume, thinking "free" or "my right"?

You cant deny you own money if you are rich. You cant deny you are in relationship if you have karmic entanglement.

Answer 5

"The suttas appear to teach relationships based on right moral view are permanent", did one say. Of course they are not either, at least because Sila, proper conduct isn't permanent, lasting, for sure. Yet it's because Sila leads to the Unrelated that it's proper to say proper relation to Sila, leads to a "permanent" relation.

Sīlena sugatiṃ yanti.
Through virtue they go to a good bourn.
Sīlena bhoga-sampadā.
Through virtue is wealth attained.
Sīlena nibbutiṃ yanti.
Through virtue they go to Liberation.
Tasmā sīlaṃ visodhaye.
Therefore we should purify our virtue.

And what's the root of real Sila? Gratitude.

Here also a nice talk on the matter of relationships in regard of persons: Karma and Gratitude, Bhante Thanissaro

If that level is mastered it would be the opening to get taught on how to end relation with the six strings, e.g. the world, the aggregates.

[Note that this isn't given for stacks, exchange, other low trades, but to escape from this wheel]

Answer 6

Sexual love is abandoned very, very early on, on the bodhisattva path. They call it the stage of dry wisdom in the suranggama sutra, which is the first realization one can have.

Though obviously zen masters can have wives, in some traditions (less so Korean). Not sure what they make of 'divorce'.

Those saying you should end relationships when you need to else you are clinging, I think are glibly understanding dukkha and non-attachment. It is surely not the same thing as right moral conduct, silla.

Whether or not it is morally wrong to end a friendship, depends on context and motivation. If it's because you owe them money and it'll be easier not to pay: yeah don't do that. If it's because they are a bad influence on you, yes do (keeping good company is a touchstone of Buddhist ethics, I believe).

Answer 7

It's a bit like being trolled by someone that promised they wouldn't. I've been ghosted once or twice, I think, and it is so confusing as well as mean/bullying. It's nothing like breaking the vinaya, which is far worse, but there are ways/protocols/modes of behaviour in mundane life, and running away with no explanation can do more than hurt. What bothers me is that unlike most forms of self assertion, it always seems so wilful. You know like all it takes is one phonecall.

Answer 8

check out this doctor on relationship handling, your answer is there as i watched before. Check out few of his videos. His hand has a Buddha tattoo so very obvious is a Buddhist. His face looks a bit scary with body tattoo due to his career as this folk handling those psychopathic patient in jail. It's not an easy job and kudoo to him.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=duh5rOGyEnk

May peace be with you.