How does one let go of something the other person involved won't acknowledge? I don't mean the niceties of the other person's behaviour, the ins and outs and whys. Merely, that the other person - I think - nihilistically won't finish up.

So e.g. your lover leaves you without even leaving a note. Or your friend pretends not to know you, with no explanation. Or your family changes the locks and won't answer the door when you visit.

  • i hope this isn't too much like self help
    – user2512
    Commented Sep 9, 2020 at 11:46

2 Answers 2


In the West, we tend to affirm protest, intervention, resentment, and even revenge. In contrast, the Buddha tells us to let it go. That's quite a contrast to deal with.

AN5.162:6.10: In the same way, at that time you should ignore that person’s impure behavior by way of speech and body, and the fact that they don’t get an openness and clarity of heart from time to time, and think of them with nothing but compassion, kindness, and sympathy: ‘Oh, may this person give up bad conduct by way of body, speech, and mind, and develop good conduct by way of body, speech, and mind. Why is that? So that, when their body breaks up, after death, they’re not reborn in a place of loss, a bad place, the underworld, hell.’

When the behavior of others disturbs us, we must first acknowledge that the perception of disturbance is within us--we see ugliness to which feel aversion and experience a desire to "make it right". Propelled by this aversion and desire, our resulting actions are corrupted by our own aversion and desire. Because of this, we generate suffering for ourselves with delusions of righteousness.

So our first action is to deal with the mess inside, clean it up and let it go. If our feelings are hurt, we let that go. If we feel resentment, we let that go. If we feel anger, we let that go. We have to let all the clinging go. Because if we don't let go, our actions will have an unskillful root. Such actions always lead to more suffering.

Relationships have a beginning. And because they have a beginning, they also have an end. Thoughtless endings, ghosting and worse, hurt both parties. It is sad to treat each other like an Amazon shopping experience. We become each other's dismissable clickbait. Yet perhaps a thoughtless ending was matched by a thoughtless beginning. Perhaps we can consider and nurture relationships that matter.

The Buddha discusses the danger of fake friends, and urges us to be wise in the relationships we start and maintain:

DN31:15.1: “Householder’s son, you should recognize these four enemies disguised as friends: the taker, the talker, the flatterer, the spender.

Fake friends aside, we can look to become a good friend worthy of good friends:

DN31:21.1: “Householder’s son, you should recognize these four good-hearted friends: the helper, the friend in good times and bad, the counselor, and the one who’s compassionate.

Let go of bad relationships. Open your heart to good-hearted relationships. And keep your heart open even to people from bad relationships--there may come a time when such a person comes back to you to make amends. Be open to that.

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    that's the thing tho... how do we let go of bad relationships if we don't really know they are bad etc.?
    – user2512
    Commented Sep 9, 2020 at 18:46
  • 1
    i guess in our behaviour yeah. thanks
    – user2512
    Commented Sep 9, 2020 at 18:47
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    This my person likes most: "It is sad to treat each other like an Amazon shopping experience." And it would be really good if people alway do what they shop, even for free... Commented Sep 9, 2020 at 21:47
  • And - of course as a child of communism understandable to think on rights first - the question actually askes of what the "victim" should do, right? "Victim-duties" are asked, if wishing to call it like that. Consumer, of course, do seldom other then help each other as if victims... Commented Sep 9, 2020 at 23:10
  • In additiibn, one may see it as demand from a bad relation, or not repaiable gift of a good, a task: Karma and Gratitude, Bhante Thanissaro Commented Sep 9, 2020 at 23:35

Good time to think about whether ones behaviour is total out of control? What does good householder think: Maybe good to investigate the matter and try to get back on earth and stay mindful?

  • where is your compassion for me? my behaviour is fine compared to the other party., imho
    – user2512
    Commented Sep 9, 2020 at 13:24
  • Ever thought that pointing on pimple is a seldom to receive compassion? May good householder just take a look first. At least he asked for reason and answer. One very self-centered may not see his acts but just wonders why suddenly alone. Satirical, isn't it. Commented Sep 9, 2020 at 13:43
  • Btw. there are no limits of raising questions but some might feel disturbed and make of moderating out of personal preverances... Commented Sep 9, 2020 at 13:47
  • huh? what do you mean? how i am disturbing whom?
    – user2512
    Commented Sep 9, 2020 at 14:04
  • Many questions seem not be really considered as if good householder wouldn't be on stage but uses the place just as garbage deposit of arising fermentations. On the other hand, question like this here isn't bad at all if really not aware why people actually may turn away. So it's a very practical case here as well (stacks and exchange seeker don't like practicing, that is the 'problem', they seek for real things in words and signs...) Commented Sep 9, 2020 at 14:24

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