I am 34 and I was brought up in this mad rat race of trying to become 'someone' and be somebody successful. I come from a Hindu background and up until I have been introduced to Buddhism I have only asked god in temples for fulfilment of worldly desires. I was a high achieving and hard working person and as a consequence of my lifestyle, I got into severe clinical depression in 2015. My entire life turned upside down, I had to quit my job and since then I am at home.
Luckily few Buddhist books fell into my hand and I started reading books about Buddhism. I read Ajahn Brahma, Thich nhat hanh, Jet-Sunma Palmo, Alan Watts, Bhikku Bodhi...After that, I went to a couple of Vipassana retreats and a Zen Shessin retreat. I also practise Zazen.
But after my mental health partially recovered and with new find solace and wisdom in Buddhism, I contemplated my life and I am filled with Guilt, Regret and Shame to have behaved in an egoistic way with so many people and having hurt and got hurt from so many people.
Intellectually I understand to practise loving-kindness and gratitude but this pain that I feel in my heart never goes away. I feel guilt and regrets. I believe this is result of my own karma and may be karma of my past lives.
I want to ask is there any way to wipe out ones Karma or work or meditate somehow that the Karmic fruits can be dissolved? I dont want to feel bad about my life anymore.