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Consider these two texts:

  • https://www.accesstoinsight.org/tipitaka/kn/iti/iti.4.100-112.than.html the part that contains:

    Mother & father, compassionate to their family, are called Brahma, first teachers, those worthy of gifts from their children. So the wise should pay them homage, honor with food & drink clothing & bedding anointing & bathing & washing their feet. Performing these services to their parents, the wise are praised right here and after death rejoice in heaven.

  • https://www.accesstoinsight.org/tipitaka/an/an02/an02.031.than.html

    But anyone who rouses his unbelieving mother & father, settles & establishes them in conviction; rouses his unvirtuous mother & father, settles & establishes them in virtue; rouses his stingy mother & father, settles & establishes them in generosity; rouses his foolish mother & father, settles & establishes them in discernment: To this extent one pays & repays one's mother & father.

What is are the appropriate ways to combine the meaning/purpose of these, considering that there is some potential to misunderstand the way these two guide us to treat our parents?

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    First the first and if possibility the secound: Sila (duty, having nurished me, I nurish them, raised, took care...), then generosity. And Sadhu for asking, pointing on it, good householder. – Samana Johann Jan 6 at 23:45
  • As the conduct toward ones Brahmas are actually always the same Mv I 15: Upajjhāyavattakathā — The Discussion of Duties Toward a Preceptor might be useful for certain proper ways. As for the duties alone, the Sigalasutta DN16, may help. – Samana Johann Jan 7 at 2:30
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    If you'd like to try to chat with @SamanaJohann then you might try to do that on his web site (i.e. http://sangham.net/) -- possibly for example as a reply to this message -- because I think he won't be posting on this site (i.e. https://buddhism.stackexchange.com/) this month. – ChrisW Jan 9 at 19:48
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    Thank you, useful info. – Erik Kaplun Jan 11 at 15:07
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Combining these 2:: There are lot of if-else cases here, might not be able to cover them up.

Understand from below scenario.

I am a well grown up person, a householder. Living independently, standing on my own foot. Either I regularly pay visit to oldies or live with them. I take care of them although they are stingy, fool, unvirtuous etc. in terms of dhamma or might be physically as well. I respect them, wash them, provide them food, clothing, medicines, etc.

I also try to change their views, try to establish them in dhamma by myself trying to walk on Noble path of householder under dhamma.

Another Scenario:: Parents are enjoying their oldage in their own way, they have enough financial & physical support other than me. Either they don't want to see me or yes we have still good relation. In this case, I am also living independently, living my householder life under dhamma. Here, I maintain compassion in mind towards them & gives metta so as they would also take homage to buddha & his dhamma.

As a homeless or as a monk:: I am living my peaceful life and never turns back from my parents, if they are against me & want to kill me for I joined Buddhism, who cares? Death is certain? If they are not against me, it's good. Whatever the case is, I maintain compassion for the body I received from them. This compassion here acts as mental-vibrant-food for them and also as blessings for them. I am ready to accept them in Sangha, if they are ready to follow stated percepts.

Whatever the case is, I am not running away from maintaining compassion. I am not running away from the duties. I am not doing it to get something in return but by understanding as to how difficult it is for a parent to give out a new body.

This doesn't mean that I support their wrong view of buddhism or of dhamma. In terms of dhamma & sila in life, I am still determined & strong.

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Brahmaviharas are debtfree, regardless if it comes from a nurturing parent or a grateful child.

Conversely, giving something with the agenda of getting something in return is in essence one of the many flavors of greed.

But anyone who rouses his unbelieving mother & father, settles & establishes them in conviction; rouses his unvirtuous mother & father, settles & establishes them in virtue; rouses his stingy mother & father, settles & establishes them in generosity; rouses his foolish mother & father, settles & establishes them in discernment: To this extent one pays & repays one's mother & father.

This means that the greatest gift of gratitude is the gift of dhamma by way of the above: establishing conviction, virtue, generosity et c.

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