As a Buddhist, I believe devotion to mothers is very important if we want to have a good life. Since I was child I followed my mother's instructions until I became an adult. This included getting married and having a child.

Now that I'm an adult, I think I need to become more independent, and to make my own decisions, both for myself and my son. However, my mother is very upset and thinks I’m arrogant because I’m no longer follow her rules.

Am I wrong if I create my own rules for my life? Am I a very bad daughter?


In Dhamma, the Dhamma sets the rules. If both you & your mother are following the Buddhist teachings, you should be in agreement.

This is was said by the Lord… Bhikkhus, these three kinds of sons are found existing in the world. What three? The superior kind, the similar kind, and the inferior kind. Iti 74

But anyone who rouses his unbelieving mother & father, settles & establishes them in conviction; rouses his unvirtuous mother & father, settles & establishes them in virtue; rouses his stingy mother & father, settles & establishes them in generosity; rouses his foolish mother & father, settles & establishes them in discernment: To this extent one pays & repays one’s mother & father. AN 2.32

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    Thank you..🙏🏻 – sherly Dec 16 '19 at 13:30

Why is only devotion to mother important? What about father? I think both parents should be respected, we should listen and think about their advice, but also make decisions about our life by ourselves.

I think there is a problem with your mother accommodating to the fact that you have your own family and responsibilities. Sincere talk with her may help in this matter, I hope. Metta.

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    Thank you. I am not talking about my father not because he is no important. Devotion to him is also very important and thanks to him bcs he is not order too much in my life.my mother is more dominant in family. I wish I can make decisions by myself but it never happen because my mother will unhappy . – sherly Dec 16 '19 at 13:30
  • It's always matter of priorities. What is more important to you: to make your mother happy or yourself and your kid? If mother is priority, than fine, make her happy. But do not complain. I understand that children sometimes need to act with more maturity than their parents, since the parents in some situations behave like kids. Therefore I suggested sincere talk. I would ask her: If you really love me so much, isn't my happiness at least equally (if not more) important to you that your own happiness. Sometimes parents their selfishness present as their love to us. They should grow up too. – mosud Dec 18 '19 at 12:46

If your choices are skillful and wholesome wether your mother's reaction to these, be joy or grief, is based on her karma. Now, the relationships you have to your mother and your son both involve personal and cultural dynamics, so the intricacies of finding out what is truly skillful is not easy.

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First of all, one should be grateful to have harmonious relationships with their parents. Not everybody in the world is lucky to have this. Your mother may be coming from a good place but does not realize that you are an adult and not a child anymore.

Secondly, have a heart to heart conversation with your mother explaining that you are an adult now responsible for your own household (assuming you live in a nuclear family) and would like to take your own decisions. Do follow it up by saying that you are grateful for all she has done for you and always value it and in the future happy to be of service to your parents. Also, that you will always listen to her, give wise consideration to her advice, but will decide on your own what is good for your family. Reassure that she has brought you up well and that you are capable of taking skillful decisions.

If she is a Buddhist, you can mention that everyone is responsible for their own Kamma eventually as mentioned in this Sutta (https://suttacentral.net/an5.57/en/sujato):

‘I am the owner of my deeds and heir to my deeds. Deeds are my womb, my relative, and my refuge.

I shall be the heir of whatever deeds I do, whether good or bad.’ A woman or a man, a layperson or a renunciate should often review this.

Hope this answer helps.

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Don't worry you are not a bad daughter. But the thing that you should understand is, how the world works. If you do good it will return as good, if you do bad it will return as bad.

How to identify the good and bad? If you do or think something which will arouse raga (greed, sensuality, desire),dvesha (hatred, aversion, anger, hostility, ill will) or Moha (ignorance, bewilderment, confusion, stupidity, delusion) then it's a bad thing. This is according to the core buddhism.

As a daughter what you can do? Do what ever you want but always try not to arouse raga, dvesha or moha.

The most important thing you should do is if you pay mother, the aarya (noble) maithree it will do the best for you and her. And I've seen many people have get the successful results out of this, including myself.

How you do it

Daily 20-30 mins (if you can do more then do) think this to your self (close your eyes as it helps to concentrate more). You and your parents may attain Nivana (enlightment). Wish this so deeply. Add what ever the necessary facts like things they do good for you and in return you are wishing them Nivana. As Nivana is the only place anyone can get the ultimate happiness. So basically you are wishing them happiness, no matter the way you get treated.

And as mentioned by Buddha if anyone kill a parent its going to be very bad karma (anantarya papa) that can't get escaped. When someone eat poison with or without knowing that it is poison he is going to suffer. Like that the nature is dangerous no matter we know it or not it behaves the way as it supposed to be. So only thing we can be happy about is Nivana. That's why wishing that (the best thing in this universe) to someone who treat you unpleasant will return you good things.

Believe me, this will make you and your mother's life better. To get results you might need to do this one to two months. (And do not stop there keep continuing...!)

With Metta!

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    Thank you🙏🏻 will try to practice that – sherly Dec 16 '19 at 13:31

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