I am a father of a now 13 year old daughter. She was born with the genetic disorder Achondroplasie (Dwarfism, "small people"). At the age of 11 we decided that she should undergo leg-extension surgery. Everything went OK, she woke up after the OP and talked with us, was happy to see her feet beeing longer, was happy to get back home.

2 hours later, while back in the patient room, she was unattended and suffocated. My wife found her, started resuscitation and called the emergency team who then took over. They brought her back. At least some of her.

Today, 2 years after this horrible incident, she is now in a state of reduced consciousness. She has her eyes open, can groan and moan, feels it when you tickle her toes, even laughs when you tell a funny story e.g. about her cats (she had 4 and loved them).

She can not talk though, chew or drink or use her body parts (like moving any part of it on intention). She is lying in a bed 24/7 listening to audio CDs with books for children. If the audio runs out, she starts crying and moaning.

My wife, my son and I myself are devastated. She was such an active, life-loving kid, although she had this genetic disorder, she was best in her class and wrote essays and made drawings you would not expect from an 11 year old girl. And now she is forced onto the wheelchair, damned to stay the rest of her life in bed or this chair.

So my question is this: what would Buddhism say that happened to my daughter? What is she today? Where is she? Is she still my daughter or has reincarnation taken place? What is the purpose of her being damned to this state?

Thank you for your answers!

Best regards Palerider

  • 1
    It would be good, householder, if "entertaining" your child with the good and true Dhamma of the Buddha, the Dhamma of the Arahats, providing touch with the Tripple Gems.
    – user11235
    Aug 29, 2019 at 6:55
  • It sounds like she hears and understands you, but can't communicate. So if she is capable of some moving and focusing her eyes, consider trying out the eye-tracking computer interface to enable her interacting with the world so that she could maybe even answer what she thinks about some of these questions herself, and maybe keep writing and painting with the help of a computer so that her life would be much more full.
    – noncom
    Jan 14, 2020 at 20:51

5 Answers 5


After my wife died I found that she existed in my mind quite a lot (as well as formerly existing physically).

That existence (in my mind) could make me happy ("what a privilege to know her") or sad ("miss her dearly").

Whether I'm sad or happy is partly my choice, it's not inherent in or obliged by the physics of the situation -- instead a matter of how I train myself (habitual thought), a.k.a. it depends on how I "view" it.

On the subject of memory, one of the things to remember (according to Buddhism) is "virtue" -- for example skilful, altruistic, compassionate behaviour -- "recollection of virtue" is an mind-object whose result or purpose could be an "absence of remorse". So when people behave virtuously, remembering that doesn't cause regret -- instead, looking back, "I'm glad she did that" and "I'm glad I did that" and so on.

Because it's a matter of doing the best you can in the circumstances.

So my question is this: what would Buddhism say that happened to my daughter? What is she today? Where is she? Is she still my daughter or has reincarnation taken place? What is the purpose of her being damned to this state?

If Buddhism were speaking carefully I think it would adapt what it says according to what you understand and know -- perhaps a gradual training.

I tend to think of Buddhist doctrine as starting with "the four noble truths", but according to this topic it might begin with talking about ethics, and generosity, and heaven.

Then there are the four noble truths, which are approximately (as I remember them):

  1. Birth, sickness, death, are dukkha (the word dukkha is translated variously as "suffering" or "stress" or "unsatisfactory"); and not getting what you want, being exposed to what you don't want, not being able to keep what you want to keep, are dukkha; in short, the five "aggregates of clinging" are unsatisfactory.
  2. Dukkha is associated with tanha (literally "thirst", usually translated "craving") craving for sense-objects, craving for becoming/existence, even the craving for ending
  3. Dukkha ceases when craving ceases
  4. There's a way (Buddhist practice) which leads towards the complete ending of craving and suffering

So apparently suffering arises with (and results from) various forms of craving -- wanting things to be other than as they are.

Another important part of the Buddhist doctrine is that everything that's put-together (including "beings") is impermanent -- so I guess you'd better not expect "compound things" to last forever ... including "human bodies" (but even also day-dreams may be fabricated and based on a false assumption that the body is under your control, e.g. that it remains healthy and unchanging).

Buddhism also praises "seeing things as they really are" -- which includes seeing, "they're impermanent" -- but I think that also includes seeing a distinction between moral and immoral (seeing kindness, altruism, and so on).

There's another doctrine, the anatta or "non-self" doctrine. If the four noble truths are the first doctrine then anatta is the second. It might be difficult to understand or explain -- those who do understand might be called semi-enlightened, there are dozens of questions about it on this site -- it might be summarised as "any view of self will result in dukkha" -- where examples of "self-view" include "I exist" but also "I don't exist" and "this is me" and "this is mine" and "this is my permanent self".

For that kind of reason the question "What is she?" is difficult to answer in a way that wouldn't cause you pain -- I think that Buddhism might say that there is no satisfactory answer to that question.

Going further the question might be described as the product of unwise attention. Conversely "wise attention" focuses on questions like "what is stressful?" and "what is not?" -- for example, "recollection of virtue" and questions like "what was virtuous?" and "what is virtuous now?" might be a more kind of "enlightening" way to try to think about things.

  • Thank you for this kind answer. I am myself not a Buddhist but intrigued by the idea that the true self is neither our mind nor our body. Sep 5, 2019 at 9:13

I have a friend who got two disabled children only. They have a very positive outlook. They said, "Our two children are happy the way they are but we are the one unhappy as we do not have a perfect child". It appears your child like music and happy and enjoy listening to them. This is no different from any other child. Every child is not the same. They all are different in different ways.

  • Thank you for your kind comment. She loved to read and was great in using language. She loved the theather play. It is funny how this strong longing of her is still vividly alive in her. Those audio books and our time reading and talking is very fulfilling for her, and for us. Its those moments when she hears soemething funny, like a play of words, and she breaks out in laughter, that we know that she can still enjoy life and laugh about it. Sep 5, 2019 at 9:24

For as long as your daughter is still alive, in whatever state, she is always your daughter.

In Theravada Buddhism, reincarnation is believed to take place as soon as the cessation of 5 aggregates (i.e. end of life).

So far, only the Lord Buddha has the ability to read through one's absolute past Karma, such as what happened in past lives, and where they go in next life.

  • Thank you very much for your kind comment. One day I might hope to be enabled understand the Karma that led to this. Sep 5, 2019 at 9:27

What would Buddhism say that happened to my daughter?

Buddhism teaches the life of each person is composed of five aggregates (khandha), which are:

(i) physicality (rupa);

(ii) feeling sensation (vedana);

(iii) perception (sanna);

(iv) mental formations (sankhara); and

(v) sense consciousness (vinnana).

About each of these aggregates, the Pali scriptures say:

  • Each aggregate, due to natural impermanence, can lead to "affliction" or "sickness" ("ābādhāya") - SN 22.59

  • The physical aggregate, in particularly, will sooner or later be "deformed", as follows: "And why, bhikkhus, do you call it form? ‘It is deformed,’ bhikkhus, therefore it is called form". SN 22.79

While your daughter's situation was moving or poignant to read about, her situation is simply a case of "bad luck" or sickness/physical damage occurring much sooner rather than later.

What is she today? Where is she?

Buddhism also summarises the five-aggregates as "nama-rupa" or "mentality-materiality". "Nama-rupa" is a word compound to show "mind" and "body" are mutually dependent upon each other.

Unfortunately, the physical component is causing impairment to your daughter's mental component. It seems she is still there when she laughs when you tell a funny story e.g. about her cats, who she still loves and remembers.

Is she still my daughter or has reincarnation taken place?

It seems she is still your daughter and reincarnation has not taken place

What is the purpose of her being damned to this state?

As I previously suggested, your daughter's situation appears to be merely "bad luck". Physical damage can happen to each person and will inevitably happen eventually. You daughter can help you develop understanding and compassion.


This is not happening to her only, this is happening to you as a whole.

Try not to artificially limit and center the situation to only your daughter, as she is definitely not alone in it. Although what is happening to her may instinctively seem to be the epicenter of the situation, try to untangle from this pointedness. Embrace the wholeness of your connection and your experience as a joint being.

Seek for understanding of what kind of experience is this for you and the close circle of people, as a whole, and for each one personally. Try to question and recognize what spiritual paths are being suggested to you with the reality taking this way of arrangement. What interactions and what possibilities for showing love and spiritual growth are open.

Karma is there only for nudging us to see and understand ways of loving that would otherwise be inaccessible to us. But there is no karma, because there is only love and possibilities to learn how to love and how to show love.

Try to question this, to recognize this, to recognize the love inside you, and yourself as a being of love. Recognize and nourish the love that you feel, let it spread its wings and rise high, and let it spread around you, encompassing and taking in all the people around you, starting with your daughter, closed ones, relatives, and other people in your life.

This is not happening to her only, this is happening to you as a whole, and to us who have come to read this. The devastatement that you're feeling is actually a disappointment because we are startled and feeling sorry for lost opportunities. That is true. But the only way to continue the life is to adjust and be grateful to your daughter for this kind of love. And give that love to her in full, and keep the connection to her. Because nothing else will have mattered when you will look back at this. Make this connection as full and bright as possible, take away the disappointment from it, because you are not disappointed with your daughter, and don't let that darken the sky. She would not want you to feel bad. Recognize her love as well and in full, and let her experience it and show it to the fullest extent possible. Communicate.

Appreciate her, and appreciate her being in your life. Appreciate her life because it's what she has. All that anyone of us has. You were gradually introduced to you and your daughter having a not quite an average life, with due time to adjust, learn to appreciate and to find joy. Learn to see this. She is there, rediscover her, rediscover yourself. Let her know that you appreciate her and her personality. She and her life is not your property, let her have it, you can't lay claims, you merely accompany each other. As per your words she is fully capable of experiencing happiness and appreciating your attention. Let her know that you love her and that she is filling you with joy, unconditionally, that she makes a difference in the world, that she is making you a better man. Let your eyes open.

The spiritual path is always bigger than we are. But we are this path.

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