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I am suffering from mind disturb. I am living alone one city for job purpose and my husband living with his family also for his job. All time he prefer his family more than me. If I told very small thing , he angry on me. Most of week he had some work in office that why I go to home and spending time with family. When I want to get him alone. That's time I fill that he has not much happy with like with he spent with his family. Now he don't want talk me so much. If I call him more than 2 in morning ,he fill irritating for this. If I told more than 2 to 3 for same thing , he angry on me. Please do suggest me advice from Buddhist traditions.

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The Buddha taught to maintain a good marriage, the husband & wife must speak to each other with loving gentle words and also have the same goals for life. Please read this in the Samajivina Sutta.

The Buddha also taught in the Sigalovada Sutta the duties of a husband & wife, namely:

A husband:

(i) being courteous to her, (ii) not despising her, (iii) being faithful to her, (iv) handing over authority to her, (v) providing her with adornments.

The wife:

(i) she performs her duties well, (ii) she is hospitable to relations and attendants (iii) she is faithful, (iv) she protects what he brings, (v) she is skilled and industrious in discharging her duties.

Using the above teachings of the Buddha as a guide, you should: (i) discuss these with your husband &/or his family; (ii) visit a monk or priest for counselling; or (iii) visiting a professional marriage counselor.

Also, try to find a 'support group'; either Buddhist, religious or secular.

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Sorry that you're unhappy. I suppose you might like two kinds of advice:

  • How to cooperate with your husband
  • How to feel peace of mind independently

I don't know of good, specifically-Buddhist advice for cooperating with your husband.

I guess you might want to talk with him -- perhaps ask him what he wants, or talk with his or your family? It's hard for me to give general advice, even hard for me to know whether "ask him what he wants" is good advice, because I don't know your culture (society's expectations), personal history, etc. Perhaps you can find advice from someone locally?

The one thing from my personal experience, you said, "Now he don't want talk me so much. If I call him more than 2 in morning, he fill irritating for this" -- I remember myself, that I found it strange, distracting, unexpected, unfortunate, when I was newly married and I was newly employed as well, and my wife was at home (and not working), that she'd want me to phone her during the morning and afternoon while I was at work. Being new to society in the workplace , I was trying to learn to fit in there, and taking "personal calls" on the phone was an unwelcome distraction and a symptom of dependence (a lack of independence), and symptom of not being "on the job". Maybe your being being a bit more independent or confident, knowing what your work is and doing that while he is doing his, would be a way to be more cooperative with him.

In the social development of young children there's something called "social play" and "cooperative play" (when children play together). There's also something called Parallel play when they both play, next to each other, but without interfering with each other -- maybe any times when he's doing other things, with other people, is a time for "parallel" play.


I guess I have four bits of advice for learning to feel peace of mind independently:

  • Learn the elements of Buddhist doctrine, if you haven't already. The four noble truths for example teach me that "suffering" arises from wanting things (or people) to be other than as they are.

    I don't know whether it's possible to change (or improve your view of) his behaviour, by changing your relationship.

  • Part of what causes suffering are "self-views", which I guess in this case include, "I am his wife", as well as, "I am suffering", and so on. Perhaps you have "views", from society, about how an ideal marriage ought to be, about all the roles and behaviours of an ideal wife and ideal husband. If or when these "ideals" don't match "reality" then I think that results in suffering -- maybe think again about ideals you hold and whether they're worth clinging to (i.e. whether it's skilful to cling to them).

    You might also find it helpful to learn other "views", perhaps for example to read what the elders nuns wrote in the Therigatas.

  • Read about, try to practice, the Brahama-viharas (see e.g. here or here). I think we're taught that they're the right attitude to have towards everyone and I suppose that includes towards our husband or wife.

    Doing this might help with trying to balance being loving with being independent (i.e. how to manage being both "loving" and "independent" at the same time).

  • You might want to find a reason for happiness other than (or addition to) the fact that you're married.

    A way to do this is to be "virtuous" -- e.g. kind, generous, self-restrained or disciplined, purposeful, beneficial -- then you might feel, "I am happy that I did good", or at least, feel "no remorse" about what you do.

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