I had the most profound experience after what felt like a near death experience. I believe I was having a heart attack, and after focusing on my body for 20-30 minutes I ceased being aware of signs of a heart attack for a moment after my body felt slightly better and less like I was dying. At this point what felt like a veil covering my perception was lifted, I had the most profound feeling. I can try to conceptualise what the feeling was like in words but it won't do it justice because that is not how it came to me. But suffice to say it was similar to many instances of 'enlightenment, satori, entering the kingdom of heaven, satchitananda etc etc etc.

Some of the attributes/things I experienced for the next 3 weeks were: non-duality, no judgement towards others or myself (no categorising things as good or bad), Falling in love with the present moment, falling in love with every person I met, Feeling the world was perfect, being able to face any fear, being indifferent(apathetic) to new stimuli (however I could turn it on, I was able to get happy about things if I wanted to, but bad news did not affect me). I was no longer looking for a future moment to fulfil me. I felt as if before this experience I was playing a character of myself, I still felt the same after it, however, much more connected to my self.

This state lasted for 3 weeks and did not lose any of these attributes the entire time, except for the 'non-judging of things' I noticed slightly lessened towards the end (I noticed a few times me judging but could catch myself and stop it).

At the end of the 3 weeks, I drank at a party, Since that time I have not felt these effects.

Paradoxically I want nothing else but to get back to that perceptive state, however, it felt almost as if there was nothing to 'get back to' when I was in it, more so like I was always there but just blind to what was there. Some of the words that seemed to ring true after the event were 'nothing is hidden from me, enlightenment is the only constant, the present moment is the only constant, consciousness is all there is, you are everything, the world is perfect, the present moment is perfect'.

A part of me thinks that because it felt that by letting go of trying to control my awareness this view opened up to me, so I'm scared that now that I've lost it I will not get it back.

It has totally possessed me for the last 3 weeks (6 weeks ago the experience happened) I really would do anything to get back there. Does anybody have any advice on how I could regain and sustain that perception if any glimpses of it re-emerge?

Additional questions: I have adhd and have been prescribed ritalin ( i have not taken yet) will this affect me getting back there.

This awakening happened during the night after drinking large amounts of alcohol, however losing it was from drinking alcohol.. I am oscillating between drinking a lot to try and get back there and never drinking again. (please note, my symptoms of ADHD go away the morning after drinking and im worried that I could only focus enough to view reality(awakening) because of that).

Any help would be greatly appreciated.

Ramana Marhashi's experience appears to be similiar to mine except for him expressing that he died but his physical body did not. Wherein my awakening appeared to me not from 'dying' but from the relief of not dying and giving up trying to control my intention/desire/awareness. Part of me is interested in Dzogchen for the phrase 'the self perfected state' as it felt during this period like it was nothing being 'added' to my experience that I was always enlightened but could not see it.

There's soooo many books on these topics, its hard for me to grasp. And I fear that I will spend the rest of my life trying to get back to a point i'll never re experience (like so many other people who have chased enlightenment).

  • I was no longer being a person being aware of awareness, i was just awareness.. it felt like the ego trying to control awareness had been lifted and what was left was just consciousness. This bliss - is so important for me to get back.
    – Levi
    Commented Jul 20, 2018 at 14:55

2 Answers 2


It sounds like you had some kind of realization! Rejoice!

Now let it go. That's the only way to continue on the path.

Reflect on the moments leading up to where you, "ceased being aware of signs of a heart attack" and, "felt slightly better and less like I was dying." How did those moments feel? Did they feel something like:

  • "I want nothing else but to," ... stop feeling this heart attack and to stop dying.
  • Were you, "scared that now that I've lost" my life and, "will not get it back"?
  • Did it feel like those moments where you felt like you were dying "totally possessed" you?
  • Would you have done, "anything to get back" your life?

You say that, "my awakening appeared to me not from 'dying' but from the relief of not dying." Is this true? Are you sure? Or did you give up at some point and let go to the inevitability of your dying? Did you give up the struggle to stay alive? And then discovered you were not dying after all ... and attributed the euphoria you felt to the not dying rather than that state of having given up?

Those quotes in the list above are from how you currently describe your mental state. How does your current predicament of wanting to get back to your euphoria so much that you'd "do anything" compare to your past predicament of wanting not to die? How are they different?

I'm just a Buddhist patzer, but I hope this advice helps: analyze in detail those moments before you had this euphoric experience and analyze your moments now. And just let go of this realization you've had. Develop your wisdom and your compassion for other sentient beings. Continue on the path. Slowly, slowly.


First thing you have to understand that enlightenment or awakening, as you have experienced is not a doing it is a happening. For e.g. in your story you didn't do any conscious effort it just happend to you, triggered by some deep releived state of your mind. The alcohol was not a direct trigger to it, may be it just functionaed as a catalyst in that moment when the time and conditions were right.

I would advise that don't resort to drinking alcohol, if anything it will sabotage any efforts of getting there.

From my undrrstanding of Buddhism in particular and life at large, I would say you had a good reserve of past life karma which gave you the glimpse of awakening. Now that you have understood that there is nothing like it and as you said 'I really will do anything to get back there' then have courage and do it. Do whatever it takes to get back there.

Yes the literature is astronomical but trust your intuition, trust your life, trust existance.

I would say taking prescribed dose of ritalin wont matter. Get in right frame of mind. But don't resort to alcohol.

Remember one very important thing, don't crave for that experience it will do only suffering. If at all anything try to forget that you had it in the first place.

I dont know where are you but try spending some time in a Buddhist temple or a Zen monastry.

At your point, from buddhist point of view, I would suggest you read Ajahn Brahms book, 'Mindfulness bliss and beyond' thats it, no other book is required. To follow those instructions you don't even have to believe in anything.

You will learn to enter Jhnanas and from there back to the La-La land where you been.

Also if possible try to attend Ajahn Brahm's retreat, thats one man I know of, will get you back there.

Hope this makes sense.

God Speed.

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