I had the most profound experience after what felt like a near death experience. I believe I was having a heart attack, and after focusing on my body for 20-30 minutes I ceased being aware of signs of a heart attack for a moment after my body felt slightly better and less like I was dying. At this point what felt like a veil covering my perception was lifted, I had the most profound feeling. I can try to conceptualise what the feeling was like in words but it won't do it justice because that is not how it came to me. But suffice to say it was similar to many instances of 'enlightenment, satori, entering the kingdom of heaven, satchitananda etc etc etc.
Some of the attributes/things I experienced for the next 3 weeks were: non-duality, no judgement towards others or myself (no categorising things as good or bad), Falling in love with the present moment, falling in love with every person I met, Feeling the world was perfect, being able to face any fear, being indifferent(apathetic) to new stimuli (however I could turn it on, I was able to get happy about things if I wanted to, but bad news did not affect me). I was no longer looking for a future moment to fulfil me. I felt as if before this experience I was playing a character of myself, I still felt the same after it, however, much more connected to my self.
This state lasted for 3 weeks and did not lose any of these attributes the entire time, except for the 'non-judging of things' I noticed slightly lessened towards the end (I noticed a few times me judging but could catch myself and stop it).
At the end of the 3 weeks, I drank at a party, Since that time I have not felt these effects.
Paradoxically I want nothing else but to get back to that perceptive state, however, it felt almost as if there was nothing to 'get back to' when I was in it, more so like I was always there but just blind to what was there. Some of the words that seemed to ring true after the event were 'nothing is hidden from me, enlightenment is the only constant, the present moment is the only constant, consciousness is all there is, you are everything, the world is perfect, the present moment is perfect'.
A part of me thinks that because it felt that by letting go of trying to control my awareness this view opened up to me, so I'm scared that now that I've lost it I will not get it back.
It has totally possessed me for the last 3 weeks (6 weeks ago the experience happened) I really would do anything to get back there. Does anybody have any advice on how I could regain and sustain that perception if any glimpses of it re-emerge?
Additional questions: I have adhd and have been prescribed ritalin ( i have not taken yet) will this affect me getting back there.
This awakening happened during the night after drinking large amounts of alcohol, however losing it was from drinking alcohol.. I am oscillating between drinking a lot to try and get back there and never drinking again. (please note, my symptoms of ADHD go away the morning after drinking and im worried that I could only focus enough to view reality(awakening) because of that).
Any help would be greatly appreciated.
Ramana Marhashi's experience appears to be similiar to mine except for him expressing that he died but his physical body did not. Wherein my awakening appeared to me not from 'dying' but from the relief of not dying and giving up trying to control my intention/desire/awareness. Part of me is interested in Dzogchen for the phrase 'the self perfected state' as it felt during this period like it was nothing being 'added' to my experience that I was always enlightened but could not see it.
There's soooo many books on these topics, its hard for me to grasp. And I fear that I will spend the rest of my life trying to get back to a point i'll never re experience (like so many other people who have chased enlightenment).