I know this is a big letter but it is important. Would really appreciate your help.
My spiritual path very much goes along with my career.
I knew since my school days that I never wanted to be part of the herd. I never took an interest in studies. I recall one day – it was an exam day. I did not complete my answer sheet only because I was busy watching a bird through the window. It felt more important to me. I spent most of my time wandering in Babul Jungle near our house along with my dog. I used to get beatings from my teachers everyday, sometimes so vigorous that the bruises lasted for weeks with pain. Now I look back and feel the suffering my teachers were going through. After such violence, they were to stand up and teach Gandhi’s nonviolence and the laws of physics. My parents told me to at least complete my tenth year.
I also had keen interest in drawing and painting. I wished I could do nothing but just paint in nature, but to survive in this society we need to have a source of income so decided to make my hobbies my career. Hence, after my school, I left the house and went to learn drawing for animation with a teacher in Pune. It was fun – we were only 9 students who were taught drawing for three years. While I was studying I also started to work: there were only 600 animators in India as the field was new to the country.
Anyways, after finishing the studies in Pune and after that in Mumbai, I went back to Baramati where I established a studio. I had only one employee at that time, but on our first day of work I found a book by Osho in Hindi on his desk. My only employee was a seeker. I was impressed by the thoughts of Osho about society and spirituality etc. After reading many books after that in the years that followed he became my go-to place to find answers. Once I read that “Questions will lead to answers and answers to new questions”. I was left with a question mark: then what is suppose to be done? I figured out that Osho is pointing towards meditation. I had never done meditation before in my life. One of my friends suggested I should do Vipassana, so I went to do 10 days' meditation in Goenka’s Vipassana centre in Gorai, Mumbai. The noble silence for 10 days and peeping inside myself revealed many things. The most important as Osho said was “Knowledge is the most deceiving thing”. I came to know why he said so. It was a hurdle between me and silence. The overwhelming Himalaya of thoughts did not seem to melt, no matter how long I watch. I also went to the Osho Ashram to see if I could try some other forms of meditations, but i was denied admission there. (I don’t know why.) Then I tried some meditations like Naadbrahma and Sufi whirling, from the internet. Work became more stressful. I needed to work without sleeping for two or three days to deliver on deadline, and so it also affected my meditation. I used to take out time however – an hour whenever possible. But it was done like work too, doing something.
I literally went mad. Needed psychiatric help (lol). But this was the time when I had to take break from everything. I realised why I started this journey and why I had made my hobby a career: Only because I could drop this someday and do what I like. I decided to drop everything, to end this quest of becoming something I never signed for. Even in meditation I was doing something. Watching this, watching that. Fortunately, I did some financial investment which allowed me to finally stop working. I went to back to nature: Started spending time in Sahyadri to drop all this gathering of knowledge, this quest to become someone and somebody, proving and trying to please others against my own nature, stopped planning things for the future, forgetting the past to be present in the present.
I just started to sit, sleep, and relax. Not to meditate on something, for something. Thoughts about career were gone long back.
And after 1 year passed, something beautiful happened: “Nothing happened”. I was thoughtless for a moment. I just followed to be alert, just alert and witness. It came into my day to day activities, like walking and washing and so on. I now started to sit in meditation and it is enjoyment, effortless, no more a work to be done. Thoughtlessness came more often. Even though I had active or passive thoughts, I don’t get cling to them, as I don’t cling to silence either. Just witness.
Meanwhile I also experienced some intense moments. My head would be pushed back, and it felt like I was plugged to something. It usually happened mostly while listening to music. The body would curve in shape of a half-moon pose. I could feel intense strain in neck and head, but after that I used to be fine. This happened 6-7 times in two months.
Then I came back to the town where I roamed in the jungles of Babul. Here I am more relaxed. I had the same episode last month, so I read more books, watched videos, and listened to audio books by spiritual teachers. In one of them, Moojiji explains that after these awakenings you should not try to cling to anything, even the experience itself, and sail with complete trust without leaving any chance to hold back.
That that night on the 2nd of July when I slept the same intense feeling happened. I did let it go. Everything relaxed: I would say I slept awake. I was sleeping but I could see that it was sleep. The next morning I was wide awake. There was a kind of confusion. I was feeling so fresh and still not wanting to do anything, not even get out of bed. Why act? I felt like richest and poorest man at the same time. A billionaire who can’t spend, if you like. In the days that followed I had these intense experiences for like 5-6 days.
Time just flies, but I am so still with now. I sit on the balcony starting at trees and hours pass by. Sometimes I don’t remember what happened this morning, but when the time is right the past experience or incidence pop up, just for a reference. Situations in which I would generally be very angry now don’t have a affect on me. When I am challenged by the situation, the alertness grows with it. I won’t say anger or irritation don’t come, but I can see it coming and not react. In fact their very doer seems to have gone somewhere. Yesterday night, a dog was dying in front of my door and I witnessed it, just like the movement of the trees. There was sensitivity, but acceptance at the same time. Everything I see seems like it's for the first time. I couldn’t recognise my body at night.
Today I feel a certain energy in my head moving towards the chest and from my guts to the chest, a constant undercurrent. I can feel lag while I walk, like the body is following me or visa versa. It seems like my mind is far away, like you can see a monsoon cloud pouring far away on a plains.
I also spoke to my childhood friend who is also a seeker and a better reader than me. He told me to write to you to find pointers of what's next. This is the best what I can put the experience in words right now.
What do I do? Do I stay witness? or do something?
Thank you very much.