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Sorry for the phrase 'not giving a f*ck'. I was thinking about using the word anger. But that doesn't cover what I am about to write.

Last weekend I noticed some strong internal movements. I was soo tired of seeking/craving/desiring brought forth by some imagined future goals and self, that a voice in my mind awoke that crushed every motion that was doing this seeking/craving/desiring. E.g. 'Shall I make a coffee', was responded to by 'I do not need to feel happy. F#ck happiness I am tired of this all'. The same with a hot shower. The "aahh... this is nice" moment of a hot shower that I used to have was not allowed by this voice. So the shower was ice cold. And more of this, no cookies anymore, f*ck the nice taste of chocolate, fat and sugar. I do not need it. There was a lot of hate and anger involved. Not towards people or the world around me, but directed to a part of my self.

I knew this was not equanimity. This could not last. Though there were moments where there was no craving, nor the presence of the voice that crushed them. And in these moments, although very briefly, I experienced a level of detachment and freedom I have never experienced before. And it was full of joy. Although the joy was quickly picked up by the craving crushing voice, which seemed to be afraid of any joy. While it should only target the (sensual pleasing) joy, like sugar, coffee, chocolate, etc, you get the point. I felt like I woke up, literally. No coffee anymore wakes the mind up to produce activity that induces wakefulness, because there is no other way. No eating just for pleasure drove me towards sports to feel content. No hot shower, but just an ice cold one, to get the job of washing myself done, woke by body up intensely, etc.

With everything newly learned, I see sort of a sinus wave moment, where there is almost all the time under- and overshoot. And with time, it stabilizes to an equilibrium because learning is involved.

Although the craving crushing voice is tiring me as well, it has a positive effect.

The question I can't find any literature on this process. I can imagine that the process to reach the cessation of Taṇhā is quiet similar among people. In other words, the not giving a f*ck attitude is probably experienced by a lot of people before Taṇhā ceased. Is there any literature that zooms in on this? And with zoomed in I mean, not the noble eightfold path that covers a whole lot. But specifically this attitude?

  • If you are experiencing sporadic highs and lows going back and forth between depression and joy you might consider talking to a therapist about the possibility of bipolar disorder. I am not a therapist, I do not have any professional training, but while reading that it felt like reading bipolar – hellyale Feb 8 '18 at 17:08
  • Everything not in equilibrium with its surroudings, and thus has energy stored is bipolar by its very nature when put into action. Pop a cap of a bottle that has vacuum and measure the pressure inside. You will see see a sine wave going up and down a few times before it reaches equilibrium. Now my mind is not as much connected to its environment (or reality) as could be. It is sealed (or partially) like the capped bottle, and therefore is not in equilibrium with its environment. Engaging reality more with an open mind will bring equilibrium. That is how I see it. Thanks for your concern. – Mike de Klerk Feb 13 '18 at 11:54
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The "craving-crushing voice" sounds like Nibbida, if that's what you're asking.

There's a lot written about it, including this introduction by Piya Tan.

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