Sexual Desire, Masturbating and Asuba Bawana

Question

I have been wanting to ask this question for some time.

So basically caught up in the social norms, i used to watch porn videos and masturbate and got a bit attached to it. Kept on doing it for a few years.

And 2 years back I met a girlfriend and we were so in love and also did different sexual activity (Apart from sex). But our relationship broke one year back when i got to know that she had cheated with another person as a tool to solve certain problems and not for love. When i got to know about it (She herself revealed it) i asked about her whole life story and i got upset by it and sympathized her. Knowing that my mother would not approve her since she also know what happened, I taught her the path of dhamma. Created a path for her to move on through dhamma.To be a better person. And she is still engaging in that path.

So after the break up I was mentally broken down and I somehow needed to satisfy my sexual desire. So i started watching more and more porn and satisfied myself. But it became very upsetting for me due to the breakup.

So one day i decided to start meditating every day and i have been continuing since then. After 2 weeks of meditation i realized that i should stop masturbating and watching porn and i just stopped it then and there. But the following few weeks were very hard. My body was rebelling to watch porn or to at least to satisfy myself. But i fought and fought. There was a time where my body was literally shaking.

And i continued that for six months. There were times where i saw some sexual dreams and i ejaculated. But i didn't do it intentionally.

I meditated different practices and I did a lot of Asuba bawana to control my sexual desire. And I was doing well.

But since recently I have been getting flashbacks of my sexual activities with my ex. And i get these strong urges to masturbate and get it over with. I spoke this with my ex (Since we actually understand each other a lot) and she told me to just do it and accept it.

I have no intention of being a monk at the moment or to live a celibacy life. Whereas i have expectations to find a girlfriend and marry and move on. But i don't feel like masturbating at the moment cause i feel it's just a waste of time and empty since it would make more meaning if i have a girlfriend. So i won't be continuing the anti-masturbating till i find a girlfriend (Why i mentioned this cause by choosing a normal life you will be engaging in these sort pf sexual activities.)

I know for a fact that I will not be watching porn again. Since Stopping it actually made my mind peaceful and to respect women more and to see the beauty in them than to see things perversely.

My question is this

Since I am doing Asuba Bawana if i get an urge to satisfy i would usually try to kill that thought. But there are times where it becomes a big problem in the mind and sometimes my head hurts trying to kill it. Literally.

What should i do at such times? Should i just satisfy myself mindfully or just keep killing the thoughts?

Answer 1

So basically caught up in the social norms, i used to watch porn videos and masturbate and got a bit attached to it. Kept on doing it for a few years.

Do not underestimate the harm & addictive character of pornography. Buddhism calls it a 'road to ruin' (DN 31). To ask your questions, you have been learning this via personal experience.

And 2 years back I met a girlfriend and we were so in love and also did different sexual activity (Apart from sex). But our relationship broke one year back when i got to know that she had cheated with another person as a tool to solve certain problems and not for love.

Buddhism explains a successful relationship will occur when two people are both moral (AN 4.55 & AN 4.53). Since both you & your girlfriend did not have strong foundations in morality, naturally problems were expected to occur. In other words, your girlfriend was probably not really "in love" but probably clinging to something.

When i got to know about it (She herself revealed it) i asked about her whole life story and i got upset by it and sympathized her.

Very good.

Knowing that my mother would not approve her since she also know what happened, I taught her the path of dhamma. Created a path for her to move on through dhamma.To be a better person. And she is still engaging in that path.

Very good. But also difficult.

So after the break up I was mentally broken down and I somehow needed to satisfy my sexual desire. So i started watching more and more porn and satisfied myself. But it became very upsetting for me due to the breakup.

Bad strategy. Instead, try to understand that women with a history often have emotional issues which are difficult to resolve. Such women can try very hard to "love" you & make you attached to them because they are often desperate. Their capacity to truly love & bond does not function well. They need lots of love, trust & counselling.

So one day i decided to start meditating every day and i have been continuing since then. After 2 weeks of meditation i realized that i should stop masturbating and watching porn and i just stopped it then and there.

Please stop the porn. It is poison that goes deep inside the neurology of the body & mind. This is why so many people have serious problems with it. Please look upon pornography as though it is heroin or cocaine because it is that dangerous.

But the following few weeks were very hard. My body was rebelling to watch porn or to at least to satisfy myself. But i fought and fought. There was a time where my body was literally shaking.

Your priority should be to avoid the pornography because the pornography is a very strong sense stimulus.

As for the masturbation, this is less serious. Just stop the porn. Put a internet blocker on your computer to stop the porn.

And i continued that for six months. There were times where i saw some sexual dreams and i ejaculated. But i didn't do it intentionally.

There is nothing wrong with sexual dreams & nocturnal emission. Just stop the porn.

I meditated different practices and I did a lot of Asuba bawana to control my sexual desire. And I was doing well.

Good.

But since recently I have been getting flashbacks of my sexual activities with my sex.

No problem. This is normal.

And i get these strong urges to masturbate and get it over with. I spoke this with my ex (Since we actually understand each other a lot) and she told me to just do it and accept it.

Masturbation is not a sin or grave danger in Buddhism because it is your own mind creating the sense stimuli.

But pornography is the explicit vision of other people engaging in sex and this is a very strong stimuli designed by experts to addict people. Just avoid the porn at all costs.

I have no intention of being a monk at the moment or to live a celibacy life.

No problem.

Whereas i have expectations to find a girlfriend and marry and move on.

No problem. But to be successfully married requires firm moral values and particularly clear insight into the advantages & necessity of sexual fidelity.

So i won't be continuing the anti-masturbating till i find a girlfriend (Why i mentioned this cause by choosing a normal life you will be engaging in these sort pf sexual activities.)

No problem.

I know for a fact that I will not be watching porn again.

Thank you. Please do not. Please have clear wisdom about this.

Since Stopping it actually made my mind peaceful and to respect women more and to see the beauty in them than to see things perversely.

Most excellent. Beautifully spoken. Pornography misrepresents women. Natural women want to love & be loved and want fidelity (AN 6.52). Pornography is a lie & deception. It does not represent reality.

My question is this Since I am doing Asuba Bawana if i get an urge to satisfy i would usually try to kill that thought. But there are times where it becomes a big problem in the mind and sometimes my head hurts trying to kill it. Literally. What should i do at such times? Should i just satisfy myself mindfully or just keep killing the thoughts?

'Mindfulness' means 'to remember' the Dhamma path (MN 117). It does not mean to 'observe'. Therefore, if the asuba path is your goal, it is not possible to masturbate mindfully.

If you are really dedicated to this asuba path, when the sexual urges arise & is difficult to control, possibly consider doing some exercise, such as jogging.

Otherwise, just scream out the urges into a pillow or, otherwise, let the thoughts run (but do not act upon them) until the thoughts lose their energy.

In summary, to have a successful relationship & marriage in Buddhism, what is required is a strong understanding of why sexual fidelity is important.

Generally, masturbation occurs with sexual fantasies. Try investigating & analysing those sexual fantasies, to discern how their content is not really moral (harmless) since such fantasies are based on self-indulgent erotic behaviour rather than long term commitment to a woman.

You already had a girlfriend with many problems. Try to discern with wisdom how sexual objectification of women results in women accumulating emotional problems. If you think more about what loving a woman truly means, your sexual energy may become more pure.

It sounds like you are doing very well, practising with courage & integrity. Best wishes. May you fulfil your aspirations for a truly happy, humane & purposeful life.

Answer 2

What should i do at such times? Should i just satisfy myself mindfully or just keep killing the thoughts?

I would recommend watching the video; "Ask A Monk: Pornography and Masturbation (and Addiction in General)" by Ven. Yuttadhammo.

He gives an in-depth and detailed teaching on exactly this topic both from a theoretical perspective and a practical insight meditational perspective.

A step-by-step guide on how to deal with these defilements is provided in the video.

Answer 3

Sometimes when you are doing Asubha meditation you might get averse to the thoughts about Suba. There was a situation when some monks committed suicide because they got averse to their bodies as dirty. Here the mind's tendency to be attached to one's body turned drastically and became averse.

The objective of Asuba is to develop a balance of the mind. When you encounter an object and get the sensation pleasantness and you perceive it as Suba your should contemplate it as Asuba. When you encounter and object and perceive it as Asuba you should contemplate it as Suba. This is like dampen the swinging pendulum, where you bring your mind to the neutral position quickly. [Indriya Bhāvanā Sutta]

Ultimately the objective of doing Asubha is not replacing one extremity with another but bring your mind to equanimity sooner.

Vitakka Saṇṭhāna Sutta also may be helpful in removing distracting thoughts.

Answer 4

there are hundreds of sutta about 5 sensual pleasures. you will get many answers. My recommendation is to have a literal understanding of sensual pleasures first.

• causal of it
• it's inability to remain or the uncertainty (impermanent)
• deliciousness of it.
• drawbacks
• and the right way of walking away (8 fold path)

we stay in sensual pleasures because we only look at the deliciousness of them. Focusing on drawbacks helps.

Answer 5

Should i just satisfy myself mindfully or just keep killing the thoughts?

These are not the only two options. You can "satisfy" yourself (feed the desire), repel from the desire (kill the thought), or just let it be (practice vipassana/simple accepting awareness). I suggest the latter. I also suggest some education material from meditationexpert.com to understand the nature of semen and your life force and in connection with higher transformations.

Answer 6

The Tao is One with virtue! Misfortune comes when one has a body. The path is wherever you are. Still that doesn't mean you're on it! Have "legitimate" sexual union with bliss if you are able, if not remember you are a cauldron of boiling, seething thoughts--most of these create excitement and direct your steps. Study yourself and assert nothing! That is my take. Porn is an addiction for anyone who "seeks" it out.

Answer 7

It always makes me cringe a bit when any religion preaches about sex and or masturbation. Firstly there is absolutely nothing wrong with either. Second , the religions that preach against it have all sorts of problems with sexual abuse among the clergy, priests etc. so there is a lot of blatant hypocrisy.

You're human and you have an inbuilt biological urge to procreate. Along with that urge comes a lot of pleasant sensations. However like any pleasant sensation we can begin to crave for more and use it to distract ourselves from painful feelings. This can become habitual and for some an addiction. Once this happens it can be difficult to break the habit and external help may be needed.

I have mixed feelings about porn. As a teen nobody explained anything to me or my friends about sex. The only information we received about procreation was from school and it was a very sterile and scientific version. Then came the 80s and AIDS and a whole lot of hysterical fear and hatred came along with it.

Porn showed me that the feelings I was having were perfectly normal and that people are actually very animalistic and take pleasure from sexual activities etc. Without porn I would not have had a clue. I guess I would have figured it out like people have for Millenia but it was definitely a very useful tool that made me feel ok about certain thoughts and feelings that I may otherwise have been been made to feel guilty and dirty about by uptight conservative sections of the community. It also gave me confidence. I didn't feel like such a clueless virgin.

These days with the onslaught of the Internet, porn has become so prolific and way too easy for children to access. A lot of it has also become very degrading and more of a shocking spectacle than about people pleasuring each other. Young boys now grow up expecting that girls want to do the degrading acts that are shown in porn. In this sense porn has kind of crossed the line into a very unhealthy place.

End of the day if I'm horny and no one is around I will masturbate and I feel no sense of guilt or remorse about it. Im a human, I have human needs and I like to watch other humans pleasuring themselves. It has zero effect on enlightenment or nirvana and anyone who tries to make you believe it does is full of shit.

Answer 8

Avoidance of physical pleasure builds spiritual strength. However, which of these creates the greater harm - a mind preoccupied with desire, or a mind free from desire? As a physical being, natural urges will arise automatically. Do not immediately submit to such urges. First make an effort to deny that which is pleasurable to the body as this will build self-discipline and self-control and ultimately strengthen the spirit. If you deny the urge and it subsides to the point where you are able to function without distraction, then you will have successfully conquered your desire - this is a good thing. However, if your urges begin to interfere with your ability to exist in a peaceful state of mind and you are driven to release these urges in a manner that firstly does no harm to others, then you will because you are at a point of required balance - much like the bucket which can not resist spilling over when filled beyond capacity. An important point to remember is that the mind must always remain in control and not give way to overzealous thoughts while releasing the urge. Temper your pleasure with mental discipline realizing it is merely a natural physical release.