When I wake up in the morning I don't feel like meditating straight away. I usually feel heavy and drowsy. So I have some breakfast and coffee and then I will sit. This morning I tried to sit for an hour as soon as I woke up but it was really difficult. My mind was not clear at all. Not sure I was thinking about anything in particular but I felt cloudy and uncomfortable with strong cravings to go back to sleep. I was so uncomfortable that I decided to open my eyes at 45 minutes.
My meditation feels like a struggle a lot lately. I feel like I've kind of lost touch with why I'm doing it. It feels like a bit of a chore. Sitting there day in and day out watching the breath for years and years but failing to become any more concentrated unless on retreat has become kind of pointless. Does anyone else feel like this?
I was hoping that after all this time that maybe something would change in my life and I might see more clearly about how I cause myself suffering, that I would have "insights" but it seems to just be this endless watching the breath, thinking, watching the breath, thinking. I'm not sure if maybe I'm expecting too much but it doesn't feel like I'm gaining any benefit for the amount of time I put in to it so then I start thinking that I'm doing it wrong etc. I can't believe that after 6 years I'm still thinking/feeling this way. Feeling intense Dukkha today.