I'm so sorry. When I born as layman ; I tried to have loving life but it always come with big deal. She leave me undone and she wanted I must change my religion with her (muslim) to get married. I was ready but when she leave me , I just realise how silly I was. Now I'm completely distracted from life like I don't feel having family and I don't think a girl who know about my past will accept my love because she know I was ready for leaving Buddhism. She did asked me "Don't you think this is wrong ?". I want to apologize her and promising "I'll spent my whole life as Buddhism " . I don't know how to get rid off my state of mind ? I'm so sorry.
I wish to encourage you at this point of confusion. Having done many mistakes in your life, or at least finding them as mistakes is truly a place that can cause much confusion and self-criticism. But hopefully soon enough you'll be able to see things clearly and realize that through this journey you took, you realized the way back to a place which is truthful for you. There is nothing to be sorry about! I hope that you will find the strength soon to reestablish your course of life again. I wish to encourage you to find optimism in your realization, because there is much to be found.
She did asked me "Don't you think this is wrong ?". I want to apologize her and promising "I'll spent my whole life as Buddhism "
I think that once you let go of your past, you will be able to go back to the life you wish to take, safely and happily. And your partner, your future or intended spouse, will accept you just as you are. Budhism doesn't have to be a religion. It's a way of life. Muslim, just a title. I know things might be more complicated than that in real life. But at the end, these are only titles. I'm sure you'll be able to find your true way of life, with this title or the other. And find a person who accepts you and understands.
I guess the reason why you were feeling hopeless is that you were anxious about the past, a memory ... but the past isn't something you can conveniently change.
You were also anxious about the future ... "I don't think a girl who know about my past will accept my love" ... but the future too is something you can't easily change ... it's beyond your control at the moment (for example because it isn't happening yet) and because you can't control it it's easy to feel hopeless (or helpless) about it.
Instead of being "distracted from life" by anxiety about the past and future, maybe the one thing you can affect more easily, one thing you can reach, is the present. You're aware of what you're doing now, how you're thinking now ... maybe you can use Buddhist practices to relieve your suffering now, your present suffering ... maybe in fact that's something you can hope for, i.e. you can hope that Buddhism can help you.
Another reason why you might be feeling helpless is because "I tried to have loving life" -- a lot of people in society want that, but it maybe "hopeless" to depend on someone else loving you (again, because you can't control that).
FYI this answer has some advice on how to choose a marriage partner.
Also, is it true to say that "hope" isn't a big factor in Buddhism? There are things that are like hope, e.g. faith and confidence.
Hope is maybe similar to ignorance, e.g. you 'hope' that something is true when you don't 'know' that something is true. Maybe it's better to concentrate on what's knowable, on what makes sense, rather than trying to hope for what's unknown (and the future is maybe not just unknown but unknowable).
I found (only) a couple of essays by Thanissaro Bhikkhu about "hope". One is All About Change ... which says that it may be stressful to have "hope" in things that are impermanent. It then goes on to describe a search for "the Deathless" via concentration. You said "I born as layman" so, I don't know, maybe you're saying you're not interested in that ... but maybe the essay is worth reading anyway, because it's lucid and includes a question from the Buddha that's worth considering:
"What, when I do it, will lead to my long-term well-being and happiness?"
Another short essay was a Dhamma talk about The Sublime Attitudes. It includes this quote:
Notice that the teaching on equanimity is a reflection on the principle of karma. Of the four chants we have for the sublime attitudes, it's the only one that's simply a statement of fact. The others say:
"May all beings be happy.
May they be free from stress and pain.
May they not be deprived of the good fortune they're experiencing."
The first three are wishes, attitudes, things you would like to see happen. "May... May... May..." The fourth one is simply a reflection on the way things are.
"All living beings are the owners of their actions, heir to their actions...
Whatever they do, for good or for evil, to that will they fall heir."
This reflection actually turns up in lots of different contexts. In the five reflections, the reflection on karma is the one that gives hope. You realize that you're in charge of your actions. You're not simply a victim of fate or of the stars or of some other being acting through you. You're the one who's making the choices. That's what gives you hope.
I guess the difference is that you can be hopeful about what you do (instead of trying to depend on someone else).
The Buddha taught it is 'ignorance' ('not-knowing') that creates unskilful actions rather than 'our self'. The Buddha taught (in SN 12.17) to believe: "I create my own suffering" is a wrong view. That is why the Buddha does not blame people for unskilful actions but blames ignorance.
The Blessed One said, "Monks, ignorance is the leader in the attainment of unskillful qualities, followed by lack of conscience & lack of concern. In an unknowledgeable person, immersed in ignorance, wrong view arises. In one of wrong view, wrong resolve arises. In one of wrong resolve, wrong speech... In one of wrong speech, wrong action... In one of wrong action, wrong livelihood... In one of wrong livelihood, wrong effort... In one of wrong effort, wrong mindfulness... In one of wrong mindfulness, wrong concentration arises.
Since you have seen the error of the action & regret it, the Buddha has forgiven you. The Buddha always forgives a person who confesses an error (for example, at the end of the Samaññaphala Sutta).
The Buddha taught it is best to marry a person of the same religion (faith) as your self. If you do not sincerely believe 'God' exists, it is best to not marry a Muslim because problems will arise in the marriage & respective families.
The Blessed One said: "If both husband & wife want to see one another not only in the present life but also in the life to come, they should be in tune [with each other] in faith, in tune in virtue, in tune in generosity, and in tune in discernment. Then they will see one another not only in the present life but also in the life to come."
Also, a Muslim should not marry a Buddhist who is skeptical about 'God'. Wikipedia states Muslim women are forbidden from marrying non-Muslim men according to Islamic law.
There are times in our lives that we may make negative judgments about ourselves and are at a loss at making positive ones. It may not seem easy to get out of a rut but we need to realize that we have what it takes to get out of such mindsets. We should have the willingness to look at what we’ve been doing. We have to realize that it is only our actions that have been unskilful. We must pass judgment on our actions, and not on ourselves. Even though our intentions and actions in the past have been unskilful, we are not stuck there. 'Isn't it nice to think that tomorrow is a new day with no mistakes in it yet? We can change our minds. We can change our habits. So let us use our sense of shame in a skilful way, to use our sense of judgment in a skilful way.
if ur a budhist use your tools. there's nothing wrong. u can go back gently. all this suffering is just a wave in your mind. watch it, let it go. the feelings r temporarily. they r there, look at them, smile at them, create a distance...walk back to the silent place in ur heart, home. I can relate. I am a jew by birth, I believe in many things. I can imagine converting for someone I love. giving that. my heart will remain the same. the truth is the same. in any language. its naked. maybe u'll get to a different conclusion. someone here referred me to the Metta Sutta: Good Will (accesstoinsight.org/tipitaka/kn/snp/snp.1.08.than.html). I think it can help. welcome back, be well.
why cant you just combine them? accept ur dids simply. at the end it's just titles. so u'll be/was a unique Muslim, the one that came from Buddhism. after all, a good man, muslim or what ever, wouldn't ask u to stop meditating on god, to be a vegi, to do ur best. these r all possibilities, choices. it can be hard to accept other manners, and find yourself there. but it can be easy or hard be respectable. at the end it just a change of names, its the same. go with a good spirit, u got the opportunity to learn about another religion. what the shame in that? visiting israel, the dalai lama once said to the druze spiritual leaders/cadis 'I also was a druze'...