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I have a Girlfriend that I met few years back. She loves me a lot,she is quite brilliant from her childhood, and now she is working in a big firm. I am working in a smaller firm than her. When we were in college, it seems we will not fight ever, but after we got passed and she got placed we are having a lot of fight. She sometimes says some bad words to me, that i can't handle.But i don't want to fight anymore, but I think I've ego problem. Every time i think not to fight but finally we ended up with big fight. What are the practical measures in Buddhism to get rid of such ego inside one's inside. Thank you.

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  • Are you saying that your girlfriend thinks lowly of you? Have you thought about counselling? In a relationship one party working on understanding and effacing his or her ego alone while the other does not is not helpful for the relationship, although it's helpful for the former. Commented Mar 22, 2016 at 12:17

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You could practice the The Buddha's Eight-Fold Path.

  1. Right Understanding (Samma ditthi)

  2. Right Thought (Samma sankappa)

  3. Right Speech (Samma vaca)

  4. Right Action (Samma kammanta)

  5. Right Livelihood (Samma ajiva)

  6. Right Effort (Samma vayama)

  7. Right Mindfulness (Samma sati)

  8. Right Concentration (Samma samadhi)

    I suppose you don't have to practice all 8 if you only seek temporary results.

The correct practice of samatha meditation can temporarly bring peace and lessen the ego delusion. Metta is a samatha practice that can be very effective in greatly lessening anger temporarily and the ego delusion temporarily.

The practice of vipassana will lessen the ego delusion slowly towards a permanent end to the ego delusion, over a long period of practice that can take a lifetime or lifetimes depending on the person practicing.

There are many approaches and interpretations to the practice of samatha and vipassana.

The best way to learn is with a good teacher.

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More than ego, it could be the high level of stress involved in working for a big company.

In any case, Marananussati meditation would be a good start for both of you.

"The disciple who devotes himself to this contemplation of death is always vigilant, takes no delight in any form of existence, gives up hankering after life, censures evil doing, is free from craving as regards the requisites of life, his perception of impermanence becomes established, he realizes the painful and soulless nature of existence and at the moment of death he is devoid of fear, and remains mindful and self-possessed. Finally, if in this present life he fails to attain to Nibbana, upon the dissolution of the body he is bound for a happy destiny." -Visuddhimagga

Another reason could be the wanting to control each other. Have a cordial discussion with her and come to a solid understanding of each other's expectations. As long as you two don't exceed that framework, don't try to control each other too much.

Come to an agreement on how to resolve issues. Make a determination with her to always use kind words and wisdom to find a solution rather than disrespectful words and emotional thoughts.

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the root of all our problems is wrong view. Once we correct our view and start on the Eightfold Noble Path, we start coming out of suffering.

Here is what Ven S.N. Goenka has to say about our view, our ego, and how it is formed and cultivated.

Here is what Ven Yuttadhammo has to say about Right View.

When one listens to this Dhamma, Cintanmayi Pannya (wisdom gained through analysis) will arise. But this wisdom is not sufficient to release one from suffering. For that one needs to have Bhavanamayi Pannya (wisdom gained through experience). This can be acquired by attending a meditation retreat near you. Registration for a 10 day retreat under Ven S.N. Goenka can be done here

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With regards to your situation,

You are thinking that you are working for small firm while your girlfriend works for big firm. That causes trouble. So do not make trouble for yourself. Ask yourself why you are with your girl friend. Focus on the feeling you had back in while you were in the university days. Treat her just like you did back in those days without prejudices.

With regards to getting rid of ego, Don't seek then it will come. It's there within you always. You just don't know.

Sit with legs folded crossed on the floor. Face wall or mountainside. Close your eyes. Put hands naturally on the knees or at the center of body as described in buddha's sitting form.

Question yourself where you came from? Where you go when you die? Keep do that every minute, everyday when you have time.

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From what you say I think she also might having a ego problem. This arises in conceiving:

  • I (X) am better than Y
  • I (X) am equal to Y
  • I (X) am lower than Y

when in general it can be perceived by majority of people as an external impartial observer that:

  • X is better than Y
  • X is equal to Y
  • X is lower than Y

There are 9 combination of the above 2 which form different shades of ego.

Now when ego sets in what happens is that you think your view or take in the matter is more superior and discount that the other party has to say. Also your ego makes you attached to your viewpoint. The conflicts happen due to one-sidedness of thinking and emotional attachment to one's view. Best is work on how you can approach and viewpoint or argument more logically than emotionally.

Also see:

... which have discussion on ego.

To get rid of ego you have to get rid of craving or attachment of one's views and attachment to be better than someone else in a given aspect. To do that it is best to do meditation. You can try http://dhamma.org or http://internationalmeditationcentre.org. Since both you and your girlfriend seems to have some form of superiority it might be a idea for both of you to go to a course.

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