I'm having a lot of trouble forgiving someone for something they did quite a little while ago. The repercussions of which I am still dealing with today. I feel a lot of anger and frustration when I think about what this person did, and it's very hard to ignore.

I have already spoken to this person, and told them how I feel about the situation - ultimately forgiving them, but it still troubles me internally.

What can I do to "purge" the thoughts from my mind and the negative connotations that come with them?

EDIT: I do not wish to forget what happened, only learn to better manage the emotions that are felt when recalling the incident.

  • 1
    This isn't exactly the same question as yours but the answers may be similar -- What is the Antidote for a Hateful Temperament?
    – ChrisW
    Feb 22, 2016 at 16:05
  • Thanks for your help Chris, and while that answer is very helpful, I am looking for something specifically geared towards relinquishing grudges and forgiving those who one may hold responsible.
    – William
    Feb 22, 2016 at 16:13
  • Just accept it. Accept the situation, accept the thoughts, the negativity. Everything. When you fight something it fights back. Accept it, and it loses intensity and fades.
    – Cameron
    Feb 23, 2016 at 0:44
  • @Cameron I was given similar advice by someone else. To give resistance is to give strength.
    – William
    Feb 23, 2016 at 1:57
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    A short nice talk on that matter: Comfortable with the truth and the talk to Rahulas. Just accept it means just ignore it and that is not what the Buddha taught. There are means for such. Its a huge topic, forgiveness and confessing and the step even able to practice the Dhamma.
    – user11235
    Feb 23, 2016 at 8:56

8 Answers 8


Well this form of meditation is not well established or part of the more common meditation object but Bhanthe Vimalasiri does teach forgiveness meditation. The instructions are here: http://www.dhammasukha.org/forgiveness-meditation.html

  • i recommend this method. I've tried this and been helping a lot of people with this. it works
    – LomX
    Jun 26, 2017 at 0:34

Hmm. I think "selfless action" will let you be peaceful, hard as it sounds. There is no need to sit and meditate in some way.

Try this. Whatever you do, try to let go of an idea of yourself. Just be totally aware and conscious and involve yourself in the activity. This is really meditation. And you'll see yourself loosening up automatically. And you'll be more content.

To really forgive, you need to understand that everyone is looking for "something" and that's why we do things. Some inexplicable happiness. To express ourselves. Even criminals do so. In trying to look for happiness outside, we get misguided and do unnecessary things. This includes things like alcohol or drugs. It is a satisfying-the-ego nature. This happiness is not true happiness. We try to fit in with the crowd or friends to be "accepted" to be happier.

This can also go the other way. Disillusionment with life could indicate more focus, or blowing up the suffering/disappointing/frustrating aspects. With a cool rationality and temperament by mindfulness/awareness, we can gain more equanimity.

To really see bliss and happiness, look inward and make yourself that way. By being more open to pleasantness and reducing the ego qualities, you won't ever have to look outside.

  • I am always immersing myself in my activities, in work and in leisure. However, the subject I am referring to is something that can not be avoided. This is something that interferes with my every day life, purely because the thought will not go away. Even whilst I am doing something I love and feel selfless in. To be upfront, it involves someone who I hold dear taking their own life.
    – William
    Feb 22, 2016 at 16:31
  • Oh, I am really sorry. That would be harrowing. I wish you peace and nothing less. I think you would do well in talking more openly with other people. I believe slowly and surely you will make peace with the person and incident.
    – esh
    Feb 22, 2016 at 16:38
  • Thanks a lot, I too am confident that I will do so. I'm thankful I am able to pursue a solution. To confirm, it was an attempt, not a success.
    – William
    Feb 22, 2016 at 16:43

I suggest maitri meditation because not only you'll be able to forget but will develop a loving kindness attitude towards the person of interest and all other beings


You might try compassion for the person who hurt you: understand that they were trapped themselves, by their own circumstances (and, maybe, ignorance). I guess that's part of the message in The Moon Cannot Be Stolen (where I think that the moon is a symbol representing enlightenment).

Another possibility might be reconsider your theory that they hurt you. Verses 3 through 6 of the Dhammapada say that "those who harbor such thoughts do not still their hatred" ... so, taking that to be true, maybe you need to let go of those thoughts. For example if the person hurt you by not doing what you wanted, or not doing what you expected, it might help to see "what you want" and "what you expect" as impermanent, non-self, and non-satisfactory, and maybe to disassociate "me" from them, or abandon them -- maybe in favour of another less harmful theory, a theory that doesn't involve "me".

See also the answers to questions about "identity view" (for example answers to this question) ... this (suffering as the result of not having forgiven a hurt) might be one of the myriad ways in which identity view leads to suffering: so "purging" that view might be a way to "purge the thoughts from my mind and the negative connotations that come with them" -- not just purging a symptom but a root cause.


Take the blame. I understand they hurt you, nevertheless, you can take responsibility for it. In many cases, that punctures the ball of negative energy and helps it dissipate. Try it, take it on and live with it for a day, see how it feels.


There are only two ways to forgive - forget about it or achieve no mind state. Forgetting takes a hell of a lot of time and most of the time it does not happen. Scientists are working on selective erasing of memory. But the research is years away from mass deployment.

Meditation will help you but prior to that you have to physically, mentally and emotionally cleanse yourself.

Another very simple way is to live a creative, conscious and fulfilled life. Such a life has meditation built into it.

Do not try to forgive anyone. Hatred will reinforce itself. More you try to forgive more strength you give to mind to start the hate process. Have you seen a child who is denied candy? If you deny mind the hatred through thought of forgiveness it will hate even more. Meditation helps you reach no mind state in which mind only functions when you want it too. Forgiveness is built into meditation. There is no meditation for anything. There are different meditation techniques for different people to reach no-mind state.


[Basing this answer in part on a comment by the OP on one of the answers]

This is not just about forgiveness: this is about dealing with suicide. Which is huge.

I think you are being too hard on yourself. You want to move to forgiveness before going through all the mourning necessary given the gravity of what happened.

You may be able to forgive this person in time, but (in Buddhist terms) you have to accept the suffering of the situation first. It is part of life - and it does not go away with a simple meditation.

That said: you could try meditation on the inevitability of dukha (sorrow, stress, suffering, pain). Your own and theirs.

Once you have really realized that, forgiveness will likely come easier too.

That you have repetitive thoughts tells me that there are underlying emotions that you are not allowing yourself to feel. These are likely anger, sorrow, disappointment etc.

Allow yourself to feel whatever it is you are pushing away. Take the time to cry, to be angry. It will pass.

In the meantime: look up the stages of grief. While they are often not followed in the order listed, they may give you an idea of what to expect.


Hey if you want to know why they do meditation So read these full.

Okay, now i will tell you why they meditate

  1. For making themselves internally strong

  2. Also too control there emotions like anger,happiness,etc

It already existed in the Hindu tradition, and the Buddha himself used meditation as a means to enlightenment.

Over the centuries Buddhism has evolved many different techniques: for example, mindfulness; loving-kindness and visualisation. But what Buddhists get from meditation is more than just calm.enter image description here

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