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I have, for some time, tried to detach from things in my life so I can find true happiness without needing anything. Although I have had some success detaching from some things, like the need to be right or material stuff, I still am too attached to some other things, like girls and people that should not be a source of attachment.

I can tell myself I don't need something(and I really don't) but something deep inside still makes it come up on my mind every so often, and mostly together with fear of loss, desire and imaginary situations of both good and bad outcomes.

So my question is about detachment.. how can I practice to be more and more in control of what I feel attachment for, regardless of what it is? It seems that it controls me, and makes me miserable sometimes.. how can I let things go?

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I have, for some time, tried to detach from things in my life so I can find true happiness without needing anything. Although I have had some success detaching from some things, like the need to be right or material stuff, I still am too attached to some other things, like girls and people that should not be a source of attachment.

Any external object brings pleasurable, painful and neutral sensations1. It is these sensations you have to let go there by letting go of the external object thereby letting go of the roots which create this attachments2. Say you are still reacting to external sensations by you have let gone of external objects your mind still can crave for them.

I can tell myself I don't need something(and I really don't) but something deep inside still makes it come up on my mind every so often, and mostly together with fear of loss, desire and imaginary situations of both good and bad outcomes.

You are doing this at an intellectual or conceptual level. There are other religions which preached non attachment but inevitably they got attached to the view orr concept of non attachment which would have been more subtle and difficult to eradicate than external attachments.

The way to go is the be able to objectively observe the arising and passing of any sensation from contact. May it be you stay in one posture and want to shuffle around (pain in the old, pleasure in the new posture). May it be sensation just arising. Also thinking caused sensations.

So my question is about detachment.. how can I practice to be more and more in control of what I feel attachment for, regardless of what it is? It seems that it controls me, and makes me miserable sometimes.. how can I let things go?

The method to do this is as described in Avijja Pahana Sutta 2 and Pahāna Sutta, whereby cut the source of attachments, through being aware of arising and passing of the sensations in what is felt.


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Then there remains only consciousness, purified and cleansed. What does one know [cognize] with that consciousness? One knows, "It is pleasant." One knows. "It is painful." One knows, "It is neutral." On account of a contact that is felt as pleasant, there arises a pleasant feeling. When one feels a pleasant feeling one understands, "I feel a pleasant feeling" One understands, "With the cessation of that same contact that is felt as pleasant, the pleasant feeling conditioned by that contact ceases, it is stilled."On account of a contact that is felt as painful, there arises a painful feeling. When one feels a painful feeling one understands, "I feel a painful feeling." One understands, "With the cessation of that same contact that is felt as painful, the painful feeling conditioned by that contact ceases, it is stilled." On account of a contact that is felt as neither pain nor pleasure, there arises a neutral feeling. When one feels a neutral feeling one understands, "I feel a neutral feeling." One understands, "With the cessation of that same contact that is felt as neither painful nor pleasant, the neutral feeling conditioned by that contact ceases, it is stilled."

Source: Dhātu Vibhaṅga Sutta

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See: Avijja Pahana Sutta 2 and Pahāna Sutta

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With regards to desire, There is nothing to be gained or lost. Just watch that feeling closely they come and go but as soon as you think about losing it or compare with others that desire will follow you until you die and after you die. You are just borrowing it temporarily during your life time.

With regards to your being not in control,

I will tell you in simple terms.

Watch your habits phsically also mental habits created from them. Adjust accordingly and naturally. And keep practice and study Dharma.

Simple breathing meditation.

Don't intentionally breathe in and out.

Do it naturally without thinking.

Focus on your breathing by counting 1 through 10 for example.

Count 1 when you brathe in trhough nose.

Count 2 when you breathe out through nose.

1 through 10. 10 through 1.

Repeat them until it becomes second nature.

Buddha said the Truth. Search for his jewel. Read Diamond sutra.

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The problem can't be solved as long as you keep the opposition between "I" and "other things".

In fact they aren't separable.

So trying to detach "me" from "anything else" is futile.

The correct way to liberation is changing the point of view. Realizing that actual "I" and "other things" are mental constructs.

Letting processes go naturally.

Then pleasant and unpleasant sensations come and go, human bodies react, but there is nobody who would be fettered.

PS. Attachment is a mental process that would develop on top on that natural flow of processes; non-attachment is when that mental process does not develop.

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