Lol you stepped on the frog that was an eggplant. Nothing to worry about right now. Sounds like anxiety and all or nothing thinking. A little mental health service like counciling should get you right rather quickly if you do it. Your smart and self aware. That logic is conflicting with the rest. The drinking and fun is escape from childhood abuse. So is the rest of it. No escape though? Your also at that magical age where your no longer a baby adult. Your changing. So will relationships. A little religion will help you cultivate yourself. Do the mental health check up too for balance. Meditation will relieve guilt and give you more self control. I have lots of students your age and they know cultivation doesn't happen overnight.

As for you asking for someone on here to enlighten you: can I poop for you?